Wife Jokes

The tall and aggressive one: Excuse me, but I'm in a hurry! You've had that phone twenty minutes and not said a word!

The short and meek one: Sir, I'm talking to my wife.

Wifey: I heard a noise when you came in last night.

Hubby: Perhaps it was the night falling.

Wifey (coldly): No, it wasn't. It was the day breaking.

"You ought to be very proud of your wife. She is a brilliant talker."

"You're right there."

"Why, I could listen to her all night."

"I have to."

"Where am I?" the invalid exclaimed, waking from the long delirium of fever and feeling the comfort that loving hands had supplied. "Where am I—in heaven?"

"No, dear," cooed his wife; "I am still with you."

"Why don't you give your wife an allowance?"

"I did once, and she spent it before I could borrow it back."

Tramp: Would you please help a poor man whose wife is out of work?

Father, teaching his six-year-old son arithmetic by giving a problem to his wife, begs his son to listen:

Father: Mother, if you had a dollar and I gave you five more, what would you have?

Mother (replying absently): Hysterics.

Wife: Women are not extravagant. A woman can dress smartly on a sum that would keep a man looking shabby.

Husband: That's right. What you dress on keeps me looking shabby.

"What made you a multi-millionaire?"

"My wife."

"Ah, her tactful help—"

"Nothing like that. I was simply curious to know if there was any income she couldn't live beyond."

A boy took a position in an office where two different telephones were installed.

"Your wife would like to speak to you on the phone, sir," he said to his employer.

"Which one?" inquired the boss, starting toward the two booths.

"Please, sir, she didn't say, and I didn't know that you had more than one."

"I can't keep the visitors from coming up," said the office boy, dejectedly, to the president. "When I say you're out they simply say they must see you."

"Well," said the president, "just tell them that's what they all say."

That afternoon there called at the office a young lady. The boy assured her it was impossible to see the president.

"But I'm his wife," said the lady.

"Oh, that's what they all say," said the boy.

"Judge, Your Honor," cried the prisoner at the bar, "have I got to be tried by a lady jury?"

"Be still!" whispered his attorney.

"I won't be still! Judge, I can't even fool my own wife, let alone twelve strange women. I'm guilty!"

"Well, have you anything to say?" asked the Judge.

The little man on the witness stand looked around the court-room rather fearfully.

"That depends," he answered at last. "Is my wife in the room?"

Physician: Tell your wife not to worry about that slight deafness, as it is merely an indication of advancing years.

Mr. Meek: Doctor, would you mind telling her yourself?

Clerk: Can you let me off tomorrow afternoon? My wife wants me to go shopping with her.

Employer: Certainly not. We are much too busy.

Clerk: Thank you very much, sir. You are very kind!

Sufferer: I have a terrible toothache and want something to cure it.

Friend: Now, you don't need any medicine. I had a toothache yesterday and I went home and my loving wife kissed me and so consoled me that the pain soon passed away. Why don't you try the same?

Sufferer: I think I will. Is your wife at home now?

"My wife is mourning the loss of a ten-thousand-dollar diamond necklace."

"Why don't you advertise a thousand reward and no questions asked?"

"Well, I could make good on the thousand, but I doubt my wife's ability to fulfill the rest of that contract."

Crewe: Good heavens, how it rains! I feel awfully anxious about my wife. She's gone out without an umbrella.

Drew: Oh, she'll be all right. She'll take shelter in some shop.

Crewe: Exactly. That's what makes me so anxious.

Judge: The police say that you and your wife had some words.

Prisoner: I had some, but didn't get a chance to use them.

A: I used a word in speaking to my wife which offended her sorely a week ago. She has not spoken a syllable to me since.

B: Would you mind telling me what it was?

After years of endeavor in poverty, the inventor made a success, and came running home with pockets bulging real money. He joyously strewed thousand-dollar bills in his wife's lap, crying:

"Now, at last, my dear, you will be able to buy you some decent clothes."

"I'll do nothing of the kind," was the sharp retort. "I'll get the same kind the other women are wearing."

She advanced to the paying teller's window and, handing in a check for fifty dollars, stated that it was a birthday present from her husband and asked for payment. The teller informed her that she must first endorse it.

"I don't know what you mean," she said hesitatingly.

"Why, you see," he explained, "you must write your name on the back, so that when we return the check to your husband, he will know we have paid you the money."

"Oh, is that all?" she said, relieved.

One minute elapses. Thus the "endorsement":

"Many thanks, dear, I've got the money. Your loving wife, Evelyn."

"Does a rabbit's foot really bring good luck?"

"I should say so. My wife felt one in my money pocket once and thought it was a mouse."

Friendly constable: Come, come, sir, pull yourself together; your wife's calling you.

Convivial gent: Wha' she call-calling me—Billy or William?

Constable: William, sir.

Convivial gent: Then I'm not going home.

"John, John," whispered an alarmed wife, poking her sleeping husband in the ribs. "Wake up, John; there are burglars in the pantry and they're eating all my pies."

"Well, what do we care," mumbled John, rolling over, "so long as they don't die in the house?"

The Court: Considering that you are the wife of the prisoner, do you think you are qualified to act as a juror in this case?

The Lady: Well, your honor, if you will only give me a chance, I think I can convince the eleven other jurors that he's guilty.

Nodd: Are you sure your wife knows I'm going home to dinner with you?

Todd: Knows! Well, rather! Why, my dear fellow, I argued with her about it this morning for nearly half an hour.

"That's a nice pair of pants you've got on. Where did you get them?"

"Bought 'em."

"Does your wife choose your clothes?"

"No, she only picks the pockets!"

The newly married pair quarreled seriously, so that the wife in a passion finally declared:

"I'm going home to my mother!"

The husband maintained his calm in the face of this calamity, and drew out his pocketbook.

"Here," he said, counting out some bills, "is the money for your railroad fare."

The wife took it, and counted it in her turn. Then she faced her husband scornfully:

"But that isn't enough for a return ticket."

She had only been married a month, when her friend called to see how she was getting on.

"We're getting on fine!" exclaimed the young wife. "We have a joint account in the bank; it's such fun to pay bills by check."

"What do you mean by joint account?" asked the caller. "Do you put in equal sums?"

"Oh! I don't put in anything," was the explanation. "Tom puts it in, and I draw it out!"

"You are not economical," said the infuriated husband.

"Well," flashed his wife, "if you don't call a woman economical who saves her wedding dress for a possible second marriage, I'd love to know just what you do call economy."

The husband was seeing his beloved wife off for a holiday. "Maggie, dear," he said, "hadn't you better take some fiction with you to while away the time?"

"Oh, no, George," she said, "you'll be sending me some letters."

"I am quite surprised, Mr. Meeker, to account for your wife's knowledge of parliamentary law."

"Great Caesar! Hasn't she been speaker of the house for the last fifteen years?"

"What's the matter, old man? You look worried."

"Well, to be honest with you, I am. You know, I took out some life insurance last Thursday."

"Yes," replied the sympathetic friend, "but what has that to do with the woebegone expression on your face?"

"Well, the very next day after I had it written my wife bought a new cookbook. Possibly it's all right, but it certainly looks suspicious."

Brown: Peckhen has arrived safe. I just received a cablegram from him.

Smith: Did he have a rough voyage?

Brown: No; his wife didn't go.

A soldier at the front got short of money, so he sent home the following letter:

"Dear Mary—We lost a trench this morning, and we must replace it at any cost, so will you please send me $25 at once."

Sad to say he had a wily wife, who sent the following reply:

"Dear Jim—Sorry, I have not $25 toward replacing the lost trench, but I enclose two candles to help you look for it."

A lady's leather handbag was left in my car while parked on Park Avenue two weeks ago. Owner can have same by calling at my office, proving the property and paying for this ad. If she will explain to my wife that I had nothing to do with its being there, I will pay for the ad.

"How many stenographers have you?"

"Two."

"I've seen only one of them."

"Well, I've got a worse looking one to show my wife."

"What is he so angry with you for?"

"I haven't the slightest idea. We met in the street, and we were talking just as friendly as could be, when all of a sudden he flared up and tried to kick me."

"And what were you talking about?"

"Oh, just ordinary small talk. I remember he said, 'I always kiss my wife three or four times every day.'"

"And what did you say?"

"I said, 'I know at least a dozen men who do the same,' and then he had a fit."

An old farmer and his wife drove to market one very wet day when large pools of water had formed in the roadway between the farm and the town. On the return journey he met an old friend.

"And how are you today?" was the friendly greeting.

"Very well, thank you," answered the farmer.

"How is the missus?" continued the friend.

"Fine," answered the farmer. "She's behind there"—jerking his thumb toward the back of the wagon.

"She's not there!" exclaimed the astonished friend.

The old farmer turned and looked over his shoulder. Then he coolly replied:

"Humph! That accounts for the splash."

The gentleman at the party, who was old enough to know better, turned to another guest, who had just paused beside him:

"Women are fickle. See that pretty woman by the window? She was smiling at me flirtatiously a few minutes ago and now she looks cold as an iceberg."

"I have only just arrived," the other man said. "She is my wife."

"Your wife looks stunning tonight. Her gown is a poem."

"What do you mean, poem?" replied the struggling author. "That gown is two poems and a short story."

Dobb: What's that piece of cord tied around your finger for?

Botham: My wife put it there to remind me to post her letter.

Dobb: And did you post it?

Botham: No; she forgot to give it to me!

"Gerald," said the young wife, noticing how heartily he was eating, "do I cook as well as your mother did?"

Gerald put up his monocle, and stared at her through it.

"Once and for all, Agatha," he said, "I beg you will remember that although I may seem to be in reduced circumstances now, I come of an old and distinguished family. My mother was not a cook."

The aviator's wife was taking her first trip with her husband in his airship. "Wait a minute, George," she said. "I'm afraid we will have to go down again."

"What's wrong?" asked her husband.

"I believe I have dropped one of the pearl buttons off my jacket. I think I can see it glistening on the ground."

"Keep your seat, my dear," said the aviator, "that's Lake Erie."

The master of the house was hungry at breakfast, and swallowed a good part of his bacon before he tasted it. Then he took time to protest violently to his wife against the flavor of the food. The good lady offered no apology, but rang for the servant. When the latter appeared, the mistress asked a question that was little calculated to soothe her husband.

"Maggie," she inquired serenely, "what did you do with the bacon we poisoned for the rats?"

Husband (during a quarrel): You talk like an idiot.

Wife: I've got to talk so you can understand me.

He (just introduced): What a very homely person that gentleman near the piano is, Mrs. Black!

She: Isn't he? That is Mr. Black.

He: How true it is, Mrs. Black, that the homely men always get the prettiest wives!

Old Money (dying): I'm afraid I've been a brute to you sometimes, dear.

Young wife: Oh, never mind that, darling; I'll always remember how very kind you were when you left me.

Wife: Oh, George, do order a rattrap to be sent home today.

George: But you bought one last week.

Wife: Yes, dear, but there's a rat in that.