Marriage Jokes

Love is blind, but marriage is an eye-opener.

"It was a case of love at first sight when I met Jack."

"Then why didn't you marry him?"

"I met him again so often."

"I'll never ask another woman to marry me as long as I live!"

"Refused again?"

"No; accepted."

"Binks has married again."

"I knew he didn't deserve that divorce!"

"Who was the originator of the idea that a husband and wife are one?"

"I give it up; but it strikes me he might have saved a lot of argument if he had said which one."

"Pa, a man's wife is his better half, isn't she?"

"We are told so, my son."

"Then if a man marries twice there isn't anything left of him, is there?"

Husband: But you must admit that men have better judgment than women.

Wife: Oh, yes—you married me, and I you.

"Do you know what it is to love a woman?"

"Do I? Why, I idealized a woman once, but she married." (Sadly.)

"Whom did she marry?"

"Me."

"The man who gives in when he is wrong," said the street orator, "is a wise man; but he who gives in when he is right is—"

"Married!" said a meek voice in the crowd.

"Pa, did you know ma long before you married her?"

"No, my boy, I didn't know her until long after I married her!"

"Let me see," said the minister, who was filling out the marriage certificate and had forgotten the date, "this is the fifth, is it not?"

"No, sir!" said the bride, with some indignation, "this is only my third!"

Muriel: I don't intend to be married until after I'm thirty.

Mabel: And I don't intend to be thirty until after I'm married!

Wife (referring to guest): He's a most attractive man; is he married?

Husband: I dunno. He's a reserved chap—keeps all his troubles to himself!

"I wonder why it is that people cry at weddings?"

"I guess it is because they've been married themselves and they haven't got the heart to laugh."

Tommy: Pop, what is a freethinker?

Pop: A freethinker, my son, is any man who isn't married.

Smith and Jones were discussing the question of who should be head of the house—the man or the woman.

"I am the head of my establishment," said Jones. "I am the bread-winner. Why shouldn't I be?"

"Well," replied Smith, "before my wife and I were married we made an agreement that I should make the rulings in all major things, my wife in all the minor."

"How has it worked?" queried Jones.

Smith smiled. "So far," he replied, "no major matters have come up."

It was the usual domestic storm.

"Oh, dear! oh, dear!" moaned wifey in tears. "I wish I'd taken poor mother's advice, and never married you!"

Hubby, the strong, silent man, swung round on her quickly, and at last found voice.

"Did your mother try to stop you marrying me?" he demanded.

Wifey nodded violently.

A look of deep remorse crossed hubby's face.

"Great Scott," he cried, in broken tones, "how I wronged that woman!"

"So you want to marry Alice, do you?" asked the girl's father of her young man.

"Very much indeed," replied the youth.

"Can you support a family?"

The young man reflected a moment, and then asked, "How many are there of you, sir?"

"Now," said the bridegroom to the bride, when they returned from their honeymoon trip, "let us have a clear understanding before we settle down to married life. Are you the president or the vice-president of the society?"

"I want to be neither president nor vice-president," she answered. "I will be content with a subordinate position."

"What position is that, my dear?"

"Treasurer."

The widower had just taken his fourth wife and was showing her around the village. Among the places visited was the churchyard, and the bride paused before a very elaborate tombstone that had been erected by the bridegroom. Being a little nearsighted she asked him to read the inscription, and in reverent tones he read:

"Here lies Susan, beloved wife of John Smith; also Jane, beloved wife of John Smith; also Mary, beloved wife of John Smith—"

He paused abruptly, and the bride, leaning forward to see the bottom line, read, to her horror:

"Be Ye Also Ready."

Her father: So my daughter has consented to become your wife. Have you fixed the day of the wedding?

Suitor: I will leave that to my fiancée.

Her father: Will you have a church or a private wedding?

Suitor: Her mother can decide that, sir.

Her father: What have you to live on?

Suitor: I will leave that entirely to you, sir.

One of the ladies assembled at the club was describing the wedding she had just attended:

"And then, just as Frank and the widow started up the aisle to the altar, every light in the church went out."

The listeners exclaimed over the catastrophe.

"And what did the couple do then?" someone questioned.

"Kept on going. The widow knew the way."

The solemn ceremony of marriage was being performed for the blushing young bride and the elderly gentleman who had been thrice widowed. There was a sound of loud sobs from the next room. The guests were startled, but a member of the bridegroom's family explained:

"That's only our Jane. She always cries when Pa is getting married."

"Stop, look, listen!"

The reflective man stopped to read the railroad warning.

"Those three words illustrate the whole scheme of life," said he.

"How?"

"You see a pretty girl; you stop; you look; after you marry her, and for the rest of your life, you listen."

"I wish I could know how many men will be made wretched when I get married," said the languishing coquette to her most intimate confidante.

"I'll tell you," came the catty answer, "if you'll tell me how many men you're going to marry."

She: I never saw a married couple who got on so well together as Mr. and Mrs. Rigby.

He: Humph! I know! Each of them does exactly as she likes.

Mr. Slimpurse: But why do you insist that our daughter should marry a man whom she does not like? You married for love, didn't you?

Mrs. Slimpurse: Yes; but that is no reason why I should let our daughter make the same blunder.

Mrs. Fussy: John, you're the most unreasonable man I ever met in my life.

Mr. Fussy: I don't doubt it. I'm the only one that ever married you.

"Who," asked the officiating clergyman, formally but impressively, "gives this bride away?"

"I—I was to," stammered her father, "but I've been a retail salesman too long to give anything away. Let somebody else do it."

In the soft firelight even the boarding-house sitting room looked cozy and attractive. The warmth and comfort thawed the heart of the "star" boarder. He turned to the landlady and murmured, "Will you be my wife?"

"Let me see," replied the landlady, "you have been here four years. You have never once grumbled at the food or failed to pay my bill promptly and without question. No, sir, I'm sorry. You're too good a boarder to be put on the free list!"

Uncle Josh was comfortably lighting his pipe in the living-room one evening when Aunt Maria glanced up from her knitting.

"John," she remarked, "do you know that next Sunday will be the twenty-fifth anniversary of our wedding?"

"You don't say so, Maria!" responded Uncle Josh, pulling vigorously on his corncob pipe. "What about it?"

"Nothing," answered Aunt Maria, "only I thought maybe we ought to kill them two Rhode Island Red chickens."

"But, Maria," demanded Uncle Josh, "how can you blame them two Rhode Island Reds for what happened twenty-five years ago?"

The faithful old employee asked for a day off. The request was granted, with an inquiry as to what he intended to do on his holiday.

"I think," came the cautious answer, "I shall go to my wife's funeral. She died the other day."

A few weeks later, the request for a day off was repeated.

"And what are you going to do this time?" the employer asked.

"I think, maybe, I'll get married."

"What! So soon after burying your wife?"

The faithful old employee smiled tolerantly, as he answered:

"Oh, well, I was never one to hold spite."

Attorney for the Defense: Have you ever been cross-examined before?

The Witness: Have I! I'm a married man.

His better half: I think it's time we got Lizzie married and settled down, Alfred. She will be twenty-eight next week, you know.

Her lesser half: Oh, don't hurry, my dear. Better wait till the right sort of man comes along.

His better half: But why wait? I didn't!

"Father," said a little boy, "had Solomon seven hundred wives?"

"I believe so, my son," said the father.

"Well, father, was he the man who said, 'Give me liberty or give me death?'"

Teacher: "In what part of the Bible is it taught that a man should have only one wife?"

Little boy: "I guess it's the part that says that no man can serve more than one master."

Jones: Well, we had an addition to our family yesterday.

Smith: You don't say so? Boy or girl?

Jones: Neither. It's my wife's mother.

Office boy (anxious to go to football match): May I have the afternoon off, sir? My grand—

Employer: Oh, yes, I've heard that before. Your grandmother died last week.

Office boy: Yes, sir; but—my grandfather's getting married again this afternoon.

"How many children have you?" asked the census-taker.

The man addressed removed the pipe from his mouth, scratched his head, thought it over a moment, and then replied:

"Five—four living and one married."

The pretty girl of the party was bantering the genial bachelor on his reasons for remaining single.

"No-o-o, I never was exactly disappointed in love," he meditated. "I was more what you might call discouraged. You see, when I was very young I became very much enamored of a young lady of my acquaintance; I was mortally afraid to tell her of my feeling, but at last I screwed up my courage to the proposing point. I said, 'Let's get married.'

"And she said, 'Good Lord! Who'd have us!'"

A story is told about a citizen whose daughter is about to be married, and who has been trying to get a line on what the expense of the rather elaborate ceremony will be. He approached a friend of his, seeking information.

"Morris," he said, "your oldest daughter was married about five years ago, wasn't she? Would you mind telling me about how much the wedding cost you?"

"Not at all, Sam," was the answer. "Altogether, about five thousand dollars a year."

It was at Christmas, and he had been calling on her twice a week for six months, but had not proposed.

"Ethel," he said, "I—er—am going to ask you an important question."

"Oh, George," she exclaimed, "this is so sudden! Why, I—"

"No, excuse me," he interrupted; "what I want to ask is this: What date have you and your mother decided upon for our wedding?"

Sister: Hubby received an anonymous letter this morning informing him of something I did before we were married.

Brother: Well, the best thing you can do is to confess.

Sister: I know it, but he won't let me read the letter, and I don't know what to confess.

There was a distinct air of chastened resignation about him, as he penned the following note:

"Dear Miss Brown, I return herewith your kind note in which you accept my offer of marriage. I would draw your attention to the fact that it begins 'Dear George.' I do not know who George is, but my name, as you will remember, is Thomas."

"Yes," said the old man to his visitor, "I am proud of my girls and would like to see them comfortably married, and as I have made a little money they will not go penniless to their husbands. There is Mary, twenty-five years old, and a really good girl. I shall give her $1000 when she marries. Then comes Bet, who won't see thirty-five again. I shall give her $3000, and the man who takes Eliza, who is forty, will have $5000 with her." The young man reflected a moment and then asked, "You haven't one about fifty, have you?"

A war was going on, and one day, the papers being full of the grim details of a bloody battle, a woman said to her husband:

"This slaughter is shocking. It's fiendish. Can nothing be done to stop it?"

"I'm afraid not," her husband answered.

"Why don't both sides come together and arbitrate?" she cried.

"They did," said he. "They did, way back in June. That's how the gol-durned thing started."

She had not been married long. She made a pie for dinner. During the meal she hesitatingly remarked to her husband:

"I think I left out something and the pie isn't very good."

After taking a bite he sadly replied:

"You are wrong, my dear! Nothing you left out could make a pie taste like this. It's something you put in."

A married woman said to her husband, "You have never taken me to the cemetery."

"No, dear," replied he; "that is a pleasure I have yet in anticipation."

"I think I'll celebrate my golden wedding tomorrow."

"Why, you must be crazy! You've only been married a little over a year."

"I can hardly believe it! It seems like fifty."

He: I am a poor man, you know.

She: When we are married I can learn to cook, dear.

He: Hadn't you better practice while your father is supplying the raw materials?

Elderly man (greeting former acquaintance): I remember your face perfectly, miss, but your name has escaped me.

The young woman: I don't wonder. It escaped me three years ago. I am married now.

Private Nelson got his leave, and made what he conceived to be the best use of his holiday by getting married.

On the journey back at the station he gave the gateman his marriage certificate in mistake for his return railway ticket.

The official studied it carefully, and then said:

"Yes, my boy, you've got a ticket for a long journey, but not on this road."

An actor who was married recently for the third time, and whose bride had been married once before, wrote across the bottom of the wedding invitations: "Be sure and come; this is no amateur performance."

The best man noticed that one of the wedding guests, a gloomy-looking young man, did not seem to be enjoying himself. He was wandering about as though he had lost his last friend. The best man took it upon himself to cheer him up.

"Er—have you kissed the bride?" he asked by way of introduction.

"Not lately," replied the gloomy one, with a faraway expression.

Gr-rr-r-h! The train drew up with a mighty crash and shock between stations.

"Is it an accident? What happened?" inquired a worried-looking individual of the conductor.

"Someone pulled the bell-cord!" shouted the conductor. "The express knocked our last car off the track! Take us four hours before the track is clear!"

"Great Scott! Four hours! I am supposed to be married today!" groaned the passenger.

The conductor, a bigoted bachelor, raised his eyebrows suspiciously.

"Look here!" he demanded. "I suppose you ain't the chap that pulled the cord?"

Effie: George and I have been downstairs in the dining room, Mr. Mitcham. We've been playing Husband and Wife!

Mr. Mitcham: How did you do that, my dear?

Effie: Why, Georgy sat at one end of the table, and I sat at the other; and Georgy said, 'This food isn't fit to eat!' and I said, 'It's all you'll get!' and Georgy said, 'Damn!' and I got up and left the room!

"Since I've been married I don't get half enough to eat."

"Well, you must remember that we are one now."

The London consul of a continental kingdom was informed by his government that one of his countrywomen, supposed to be living in Great Britain, had been left a large fortune. After advertising without result, he applied to the police, and a smart young detective was set to work. A few weeks later his chief asked how he was getting on.

"I've found the lady, sir."

"Good! Where is she?"

"At my place. I married her yesterday."