Baby Jokes

"Why do you call the baby Bill?"

"He was born on the first of the month."

"What in the world shall I do with the baby, John? She's crying for the moon."

"That's nothing. Wait till she's eighteen and she'll want the earth."

"Every time the baby looks into my face he smiles," said Mr. Meekins.

"Well," answered his wife, "it may not be exactly polite, but it shows he has a sense of humor."

"Say, mama, was baby sent down from heaven?"

"Why, yes."

"Um. They like to have it quiet up there, don't they?"

A wife after the divorce, said to her husband: "I am willing to let you have the baby half the time."

"Good!" said he, rubbing his hands. "Splendid!"

"Yes," she resumed, "you may have him nights."

Tiny Clara heard her mother say that a neighboring lady had a new baby. The tot puzzled over the matter, and at last sought additional information:

"Oh, mumsy, what is she going to do with her old one?"

The baby pulled brother's hair until he yelled from the pain of it. The mother soothed the weeping boy:

"Of course, she doesn't know how badly it hurts." Then she left the room.

She hurried back presently on hearing frantic squalling from baby.

"What in the world is the matter with her?" she questioned anxiously.

"Nothing at all," brother replied contentedly. "Only now she knows."

Two nursemaids were wheeling their infant charges in the park when one asked the other:

"Are you going to the dance tomorrow afternoon?"

"I am afraid not."

"What!" exclaimed the other. "And you so fond of dancing!"

"I'd love to go," explained the conscientious maid, "but to tell you the truth, I am afraid to leave the baby with its mother."

A man, who is the father of a year-old youngster, met his pastor on Sunday afternoon.

"Why weren't you at church this morning?" was the first question of the spiritual adviser.

"I couldn't come," was the answer. "I had to stop at home and mind the baby; our nurse is ill."

"That's no excuse," said the pastor.

"It isn't? Well, next Sunday I'll bring him to church with me and see how you like it."

The visitor: Does your new baby brother cry much, Ethel?

Little Ethel: He cries when you stick pins in him or make faces at him or bounce him up and down. But what can you expect? He's too little to swear.

"Is the baby strong?"

"Well, rather! You know what a tremendous voice he has?"

"Yes."

"Well, he lifts that five or six times an hour!"

Throughout the christening ceremony the baby smiled up beautifully into the clergyman's face.

"Well, madam," said he to the young wife, "I must congratulate you on your little one's behavior. I have christened more than 2,000 babies, but I never before christened one that behaved so well as yours."

The young mother smiled demurely, and said:

"His father and I, with a pail of water, have been practicing on him for the last ten days."

"What makes you think the baby is going to be a great politician?" asked the young mother, anxiously.

"I'll tell you," answered the young father, confidently; "he can say more things that sound well and mean nothing at all than any kid I ever saw."

A small boy was taken to see the new baby, whom he eyed very critically. "Why, he's got no hair, father," was his first remark. The fact was admitted. "And he's got no teeth, father," was the next comment. The circumstances could not be denied. "I tell you what, father," was the final observation, "you've been swindled; he's an old one."

"Here comes Blinkers. He's got a new baby, and he'll talk us to death."

"Well, here comes a neighbor of mine who has a new setter dog. Let's introduce them and leave them to their fate."

A woman left her baby in its carriage at the door of a department store. A policeman found it there, apparently abandoned, and wheeled it to the station. As he passed down the street a gamin yelled: "What's the kid done?"

Johnny: What makes the new baby at your house cry so much, Tommy?

Tommy: It don't cry so very much—and, anyway, if all your teeth were out, your hair off, and your legs so weak you couldn't stand on them, guess you'd feel like crying yourself.

Little Jane had long desired a baby sister, and one day she came rushing home in high excitement.

"Oh, mother; come downtown quickly!" she exclaimed. "There are splendid bargains in babies and you can get one while they are cheap."

"What in the world are you talking about, my dear?" the mother asked in astonishment. "Somebody must have been playing a joke on you."

"Truly, truly!" the little girl declared, jumping up and down in her eagerness. "Great big sign about it, on the top of the skating rink. It says, 'This week only, children half price.'"

Why is a new-born baby like a storm?

Because it begins with a squall.

The professor was deeply absorbed in some scientific subject when the nurse announced the arrival of a boy. "What—who?" stammered the professor absently. "Why interrupt me—isn't my wife at home?"

A man who has an office downtown called his wife by telephone the other morning and during the conversation asked what the baby was doing.

"She was crying her eyes out," replied the mother.

"What about?"

"I don't know whether it is because she has eaten too many strawberries or because she wants more," replied the discouraged mother.

"So you have adopted a baby to raise?" we ask of our friend. "Well, it may turn out all right, but don't you think you are taking chances?"

"Not a chance," he answers. "No matter how many bad habits the child may develop, my wife can't say he inherits any of them from my side of the house."

Mrs. Post: But why adopt a baby when you have three children of your own under five years old?

Mrs. Parker: My own are being brought up properly. The adopted one is to enjoy.

"Can your little baby brother talk yet?" a kindly neighbor inquired of a small lad.

"No, he can't talk, and there ain't no reason why he should talk," was the disgusted reply. "What does he want to talk for when all he has to do is yell a while to get everything in the house that's worth having?"

One afternoon thirty ladies met at the home of Mrs. Lyons to form a woman's club. The hostess was unanimously elected president. The next day the following ad appeared in the newspaper:

"Wanted—a reliable woman to take care of a baby. Apply to Mrs. J. W. Lyons."

A wife whose husband is on active service recently presented him with a bouncing baby boy. She wrote to ask him when he should get leave, and also when the war would be over. His reply was as follows:

"Dear Lucy, I don't know when I shall get leave or when the war will be over, but if the baby should be called up before I get leave, give him a parcel to bring out to me. Your loving husband, Bill."

At the wedding reception the young man remarked: "Wasn't it annoying the way that baby cried during the whole ceremony?"

"It was simply dreadful," replied the prim little maid of honor; "and when I get married I'm going to have engraved right in the corner of the invitations: 'No babies expected.'"

My wife gave birth to triplets.

Why don't you tell her to stop her kidding?

"Tommy," said the Sunday-school teacher, who had been giving a lesson on the baptismal covenant, "can you tell me the two things necessary to baptism?"

"Yes'm," said Tommy, "water and a baby."

The young mother asked the man who supplied her with milk if he kept any calves, and smiled pleasedly when he said that he did.

"Then," she continued brightly, "bring me a pint of calf's milk every day. I think cow's milk is too strong for baby."

A new baby arrived at a house. A little girl—now fifteen—had been the pet of the family. Everyone made much of her, but when there was a new baby she felt rather neglected.

"How are you, Mary?" a visitor asked of her one afternoon.

"Oh, I'm all right," she said, "except that I think there is too much competition in this world."

Kind stranger: How old is your baby brother, little girl?

Little girl: He's a this year's model.

"And we have one baby," said the meek man, who was applying for board; "will you mind it?"

"Mind it!" snapped the thin-faced landlady. "Of course not! Do you think I'm a nurse?"

When is a baby like a breakfast cup?

When it's a tea thing.