Money Jokes

Ed: Have you forgotten you owe me five dollars?

Ned: No, not yet. Give me time, and I will.

"I hear you had some money left you."

"Yes, it left me long ago."

"Why so glum, Blumly? Anything gone wrong?"

"Yes, I've just lost two of my best friends."

"By death or marriage?"

"Neither. I loaned them money."

Rich Man: Would you love my daughter just as much if she had no money?

Suitor: Why, certainly!

Rich Man: That's sufficient. I don't want any idiots in this family.

"Well, Albert, I've been acting on your advice. I put a hundred dollars in the bank this month."

"Fine! It isn't so hard, is it?"

"No; I simply tore up all the bills."

She: And what would you be now if it weren't for my money?

He: A bachelor.

"Say, do you want to get next to a scheme for making money fast?"

"Sure I do."

"Glue it to the floor."

"Father," said Nellie, "that bank in which you told me to put my money is in a bad way."

"In a bad way?" returned her father. "Why, my child, that's one of the strongest banks in the country. What in the world gives you that idea?"

"Well," said Nellie, "it returned one of my checks today for $30 marked 'No funds.'"

He: We'll have to give up our intended summer trip. My account at the bank is already overdrawn.

She: Oh, John, you are such a wretched financier. Why don't you keep your account in a bank that has plenty of money?

Willie: Paw, what is the difference between capital and labor?

Paw: Well, the money you lend represents capital, and getting it back represents labor, my son.

"Is your brother, the bank cashier, behind in his accounts?"

"No. The bank's behind. My brother's ahead."

"Now, let me see," the impecunious man demanded as he buttonholed an acquaintance, "do I owe you anything?"

"Not a penny, my dear sir," was the genial reply. "You are going about paying your little debts?"

"No, I'm going about to see if I've overlooked anybody. Lend me ten till Saturday."

Jenkins was always trying to borrow money, and his friends had begun to avoid him.

One morning he tackled an acquaintance in the street before the latter had a chance to escape.

"I say, old man," began Jenkins, "I'm in a terrible fix. I want some money badly, and I haven't the slightest idea where on earth I'm going to get it from."

"Glad to hear it, my boy," returned the other promptly. "I was afraid that you might have an idea you could borrow it from me."

The eminent banker explained just how he started in business:

"I had nothing to do, and I rented an empty store, and put up a sign, Bank. As soon as I opened for business, a man dropped in, and made a deposit of two hundred dollars. The next day another man dropped in and deposited three hundred dollars. And so, sir, the third day, my confidence in the enterprise reached such a point that I put in fifty dollars of my own money."

Friend: So you're going to make it hot for that fellow who held up the bank, shot the cashier, and got away with the ten thousand?

Banker: Yes, indeed. He was entirely too fresh. There's a decent way to do that, you know. If he wanted to get the money, why didn't he come into the bank and work his way up the way the rest of us did?

Oke: Would you be satisfied if you had all the money you wanted?

Owens: I'd be satisfied if I had all the money my creditors wanted.

Boss: There's $10 gone from my cash drawer, Johnny; you and I were the only people who had keys to that drawer.

Office Boy: Well, suppose we each pay $5 and say no more about it.

Customer: What! Five hundred dollars for that antique? Why, I priced it last week and you said three hundred and fifty.

Dealer: Yes, I know; but the cost of labor and materials has gone up so!

A country school-teacher was cashing her monthly check at the bank. The teller apologized for the filthy condition of the bills, saying, "I hope you're not afraid of microbes."

"Not a bit of it," the schoolma'am replied. "I'm sure no microbe could live on my salary!"

The new reporter wrote his concluding paragraph concerning the murder as follows:

"Fortunately for the deceased, he had deposited all of his money in the bank the day before. He lost practically nothing but his life."

"My wife is mourning the loss of a ten-thousand-dollar diamond necklace."

"Why don't you advertise a thousand reward and no questions asked?"

"Well, I could make good on the thousand, but I doubt my wife's ability to fulfill the rest of that contract."

A story is told about a citizen whose daughter is about to be married, and who has been trying to get a line on what the expense of the rather elaborate ceremony will be. He approached a friend of his, seeking information.

"Morris," he said, "your oldest daughter was married about five years ago, wasn't she? Would you mind telling me about how much the wedding cost you?"

"Not at all, Sam," was the answer. "Altogether, about five thousand dollars a year."

A high-school girl said to her father the other night:

"Daddy, I've got a sentence here I'd like you to punctuate. You know something about punctuation, don't you?"

"A little," said her cautious parent, as he took the slip of paper she handed him.

This is what he read:

"A five-dollar bill flew around the corner"

He studied it carefully.

"Well," he finally said, "I'd simply put a period after it, like this."

"I wouldn't," said the high-school girl; "I'd make a dash after it!"

"Yes, it cost me ten thousand dollars to have my family-tree looked up, and five thousand dollars more to have it hushed up."

Mr. Butterworth, the grocer, was looking over the credit sales-slips one day. Suddenly he called to the new clerk:

"Did you give George Callahan credit?"

"Sure," said the clerk. "I—"

"Didn't I tell you to get a report on any and every man asking for credit?"

"Why, I did," retorted the clerk, who was an earnest young fellow. "I did get a report. The agency said he owed money to every grocer in town, and, of course, if his credit was that good I knew that you would like to have him open an account here!"

"There are no more enterprising young men. Why, I remember when it was a common thing for a young man to start out as a clerk and in a few years own the business."

"Yes, but cash-registers have been invented since."

A church in Kansas was raising funds for a new church and the minister was calling on members for subscriptions. One of the pillars of the church rose and said: "I subscribe five dollars." Just at that instant a piece of plaster fell on his head. Half stunned, he mumbled, "F-f-five hundred dollars," and the minister prayed, "Oh Lord, hit him again."

The workman was busily employed by the roadside, and the wayfarer paused to inquire, "What are you digging for?" The workman looked up.

"Money," he replied.

"Money! And when do you expect to strike it, my good man?"

"On Saturday!" replied the other, and resumed operations.

Prof (in geology): The geologist thinks nothing of a thousand years.

Soph: Great guns! And I loaned a geologist ten dollars yesterday!

"You want more money? Why, my boy, I worked three years for $11 a month right in this establishment, and now I'm owner of it."

"Well, you see what happened to your boss. No man who treats his help that way can hang on to his business."

The successful financier snorted contemptuously.

"Money! Pooh! There are a million ways of making money."

"But only one honest way," a listener declared.

"What way is that?" the financier demanded.

"Naturally, you wouldn't know," was the answer.

"Are you the photographer?"

"Yes, sir."

"Do you take children's pictures?"

"Yes, sir."

"How much do you charge?"

"Three dollars a dozen."

"Well, I have to see you again. I've only got eleven."

Papa: But hasn't your fiancé got a job?

Daughter: Not yet, but he's going to get one at $25,000 a year.

Papa: Indeed! Glad to hear of it! What is he doing?

Daughter: Well, he read in the paper of some man who is paid $50,000 a year by the Bankers' Association not to forge checks, and George is going to do it for half that.

We have just learned of a teacher who started poor twenty years ago and has retired with the comfortable fortune of fifty thousand dollars. This was acquired through industry, economy, conscientious effort, indomitable perseverance, and the death of an uncle who left her an estate valued at $49,999.50.

Returning home from the dentist's, where he had gone to have a loose tooth drawn, little Raymond reported as follows:

"The doctor told me before he began that if I cried or screamed it would cost me a dollar, but if I was a good boy it would be only fifty cents."

"Did you scream?" his mother asked.

"How could I?" answered Raymond. "You only gave me fifty cents."

The little daughter of a clergyman stubbed her toe and said, "Darn!"

"I'll give you ten cents," said father, "if you'll never say that word again."

A few days afterward she came to him and said: "Papa, I've got a word worth half a dollar."

A man lost three hundred dollars in a railway station and returned and told the crowd he would give seventy-five dollars for the return of the money. One man said he'd give a hundred and another man said he'd give two hundred. When I left they had bid it up to a thousand.

Mr. Manley: Well, my dear, I've had my life insured for five thousand dollars.

Mrs. Manley: How very sensible of you! Now I shan't have to keep telling you to be so careful every place you go.

The Man of Law: But, my dear madam, there is no insurance money for you to draw. Your late husband never insured his life; he only had a policy against fire.

The Wonderful Widow: Precisely. That is the very reason I had him cremated!

"What shape, madam, was the pocketbook you lost?"

"Flat. I'm a teacher."

"How's this, waiter? You've charged me two dollars and a half for planked steak!"

"Sorry, sir, but lumber's gone up again."

Customer (to palmist): Five dollars fee? Er—would you have any objection to waiting until I get some of the money you say is coming to me?

"Does a rabbit's foot really bring good luck?"

"I should say so. My wife felt one in my money pocket once and thought it was a mouse."

She had only been married a month, when her friend called to see how she was getting on.

"We're getting on fine!" exclaimed the young wife. "We have a joint account in the bank; it's such fun to pay bills by check."

"What do you mean by joint account?" asked the caller. "Do you put in equal sums?"

"Oh! I don't put in anything," was the explanation. "Tom puts it in, and I draw it out!"

First Credit Man: How about Jones of Pigville Center?

Second Credit Man: He always pays cash, so we don't know how honest he is!

Papa: Why, hang it, girl, that fellow only earns nine dollars a week!

Pleading Daughter: Yes; but, daddy, dear, a week passes so quickly when you're fond of one another.

A servant, who indulged in sprees during which he spent all his money, was advised by his master to save against a rainy day. A week later, the master inquired if any saving had been accomplished.

"Oh, yes, indeed, sir," the servant responded. "But, you see, sir, it rained yesterday, and it all went."

"Dad," said the financier's son, running into his father's office, "lend me six hundred."

"What for, my boy?"

"I've got a sure tip on the market."

"How much shall we make out of it?" asked the old man cautiously.

"A couple of hundred sure," replied the boy eagerly. "That's a hundred each."

"Here's your hundred," said his father. "Let's consider that we have made this deal and that it has succeeded. You make a hundred dollars and I save five hundred."

"Brown volunteered to lend me money."

"Did you take it?"

"No. That sort of friendship is too good to lose."

Father, teaching his six-year-old son arithmetic by giving a problem to his wife, begs his son to listen:

Father: Mother, if you had a dollar and I gave you five more, what would you have?

Mother (replying absently): Hysterics.

"That cashier is a cool chap."

"How so?"

"A thug with a revolver ordered him to hand out the bank's cash yesterday, but he said he couldn't do it unless the thug was identified. This took the fellow so aback, he hesitated a moment and was nabbed."

Jack: My wife's a fine shot. She can hit a dollar every time.

Fred: That's nothing, my wife goes through my trousers and never misses a dime.

Mr. Tucker had unexpectedly come face to face with Mr. Cutting, from whom he had frequently borrowed money.

"Er—aw—what was the denomination of the bill you loaned me?" he asked nervously.

"Episcopalian, I guess," said Mr. Cutting. "At any rate, it keeps Lent very well."

"Yes," said the old man to his visitor, "I am proud of my girls and would like to see them comfortably married, and as I have made a little money they will not go penniless to their husbands. There is Mary, twenty-five years old, and a really good girl. I shall give her $1000 when she marries. Then comes Bet, who won't see thirty-five again. I shall give her $3000, and the man who takes Eliza, who is forty, will have $5000 with her." The young man reflected a moment and then asked, "You haven't one about fifty, have you?"

"I dreamed last night that I had a million dollars."

"I thought so. I spoke to you twice during the night and you never noticed me."

A soldier at the front got short of money, so he sent home the following letter:

"Dear Mary—We lost a trench this morning, and we must replace it at any cost, so will you please send me $25 at once."

Sad to say he had a wily wife, who sent the following reply:

"Dear Jim—Sorry, I have not $25 toward replacing the lost trench, but I enclose two candles to help you look for it."

Customer: But if it costs twenty dollars to make these watches, and you sell them for twenty dollars, where does your profit come in?

Shopkeeper: That comes from repairing them.

"I always put my money under the mattress at night."

"Why?"

"So I'll have something to fall back on."

How can you make a tall man short?

Borrow money from him.

Mrs. Bargain: Oh, Ethel! I have just talked Edward into giving me the money for a new hat.

Mr. Bargain: Which I shall enter in my accounts as 'Hush Money.'