Husband Jokes

"Is she making him a good wife?"

"Well, not exactly; but she's making him a good husband."

A prominent man called to condole with a lady on the death of her husband, and concluded by saying, "Did he leave you much?"

"Nearly every night," was the reply.

He: If I were to die you'd never get another husband like me.

She: What makes you imagine I should ever want another like you?

"Did Hardlucke bear his misfortune like a man?"

"Exactly like one. He blamed it all on his wife."

"You say you are your wife's third husband?" said one man to another during a talk.

"No, I am her fourth husband," was the reply.

"Heavens, man!" said the first man; "you are not a husband—you're a habit."

"I was in an awkward predicament yesterday morning," said a husband to another.

"How was that?"

"Why, I came home late, and my wife heard me and said, 'John, what time is it?' and I said, 'Only twelve, my dear,' and just then that cuckoo clock of ours sang out three times."

"What did you do?"

"Why, I just had to stand there and cuckoo nine times more."

"Is that you, dear?" said a young husband over the telephone. "I just called up to say that I'm afraid I won't be able to get home to dinner tonight, as I am detained at the office."

"You poor dear," answered the wife sympathetically. "I don't wonder. I don't see how you manage to get anything done at all with that orchestra playing in your office. Goodbye."

"I'm having trouble in supporting my wife."

"You don't know what trouble is. Try not supporting her."

Hubby: I don't believe in parading my virtues.

Wife: You couldn't, anyway. It takes quite a number to make a parade.

"My husband has given up smoking."

"It must have taken some will-power."

"All I had."

While the late Justice Brewer was judge in a minor court he was presiding at the trial of a wife's suit for separation and alimony. The defendant acknowledged that he hadn't spoken to his wife in five years, and Judge Brewer put in a question.

"What explanation have you," he asked severely, "for not speaking to your wife in five years?"

"Your Honor," replied the husband, "I didn't like to interrupt the lady."

"I was outspoken in my sentiments at the club today," said Mrs. Garrulous to her husband the other evening. With a look of astonishment he replied:

"I can't believe it, my dear. Who outspoke you?"

"She calls her dog and her husband by the same pet name. It must cause frequent confusion."

"Not at all. She always speaks gently to the dog."

Friend: Do you permit your wife to have her own way?

Husband (positively): No, sir. She has it without my permission.

Husband (angrily): What! No supper ready? This is the limit! I'm going to a restaurant.

Wife: Wait just five minutes.

Husband: Will it be ready then?

Wife: No, but then I'll go with you.

One evening just before dinner a wife, who had been playing bridge all the afternoon, came in to find her husband and a strange man (afterward ascertained to be a lawyer) engaged in some mysterious business over the library table, upon which were spread several sheets of paper.

"What are you going to do with all that paper, Henry?" demanded the wife.

"I am making a wish," meekly responded the husband.

"A wish?"

"Yes, my dear. In your presence I shall not presume to call it a will."

Junkman: Any rags, paper, old iron to sell?

Head of house (irately): No—go away—my wife's away for the summer.

Junkman (smiling): Any empty bottles?

Salesman: Another advantage of this machine, madam, is that it is foolproof.

Sweet thing (placidly): No doubt, to the ordinary kind. But you don't know my husband.

Husband: You'll never get that new dog of yours to mind you.

Wife: Oh, yes, I will. You were just as troublesome yourself at first.

Mrs. Hicks was telling some ladies about the burglar scare in her house the night before.

"Yes," she said, "I heard a noise and got up, and there, from under the bed, I saw a man's legs sticking out."

"Mercy!" exclaimed a woman. "The burglar's legs?"

"No, my dear; my husband's legs. He heard the noise, too."

A widow visited a spiritualistic medium, who satisfactorily produced the deceased husband for a domestic chat.

"Dear John," the widow questioned eagerly, "are you happy now?"

"I am very happy," the spook assured her.

"Happier than you were on earth with me?" the widow continued, greatly impressed.

"Yes," John asserted, "I am far happier now than I was on earth with you."

"Oh, do tell me, John," the widow cried rapturously, "what is it like in heaven?"

"Heaven!" the answer snapped. "I ain't in heaven!"

"Why do you feed every tramp who comes along? They never do any work for you."

"No," said his wife, "but it is quite a satisfaction to me to see a man eat a meal without finding fault with the cooking."

Wife: How did you get along while I was away?

Husband: I kept house for about ten days, and then I went boarding.

Wife: Boarding! Why didn't you go on keeping house?

Husband: Couldn't; all the dishes were dirty.

"I must say these are fine biscuits!" exclaimed the young husband.

"How could you say those are fine biscuits?" inquired the young wife's mother, in a private interview.

"I didn't say they were fine. I merely said I must say so."

"Did you hear about the awful trouble that has befallen Mrs. Talkalot?"

"Don't tell me she has lost her voice."

"No, her husband has lost his hearing."

"Your husband says he leads a dog's life," said one woman.

"Yes, it's very similar," answered the other. "He comes in with muddy feet, makes himself comfortable by the fire, and waits to be fed."

"Madam," announced the new maid, "your husband is lying unconscious in the reception hall, with a large box beside him and crushing a paper in his hand."

"Ah," cried her mistress in ecstasy, "my new hat has come."

"Harold!" began his wife, in a furious temper, "my mind is made up—"

"Mercy!" interrupted her husband; "is that so? I had hoped that your mind, at least, was your own!"

Wife (savagely): Don't let me catch you flirting.

Husband (meekly): No, dear, never again. That's the way you did catch me, you know!

Young wife: How do you like my cooking? Don't you think I've begun well?

Husband: Um—yes. I've often heard that well begun is half done.

What does a husband do who misses a train by which he promised his wife to return?

Catches it when he gets home.

"Shall I leave the hall light burning, ma'am?" the servant asked.

"No," her mistress replied. "I think my husband won't get home until daylight. He kissed me goodbye before he went, and gave me twenty dollars for a new hat."

"I can read my husband like a book."

"Then be careful to stick to your own library, my dear."

Mrs. Jones: Does your husband remember your wedding anniversary?

Mrs. Smith: No; so I remind him of it in January and June, and get two presents.

Lady president: What book has helped you most?

New member: My husband's checkbook.

"When a woman marries and then divorces her husband inside of a week what would you call it?"

"Taking his name in vain."

"See that man over there. He is a bombastic mutt, a windjammer nonentity, a false alarm, and an encumberer of the earth!"

"Would you mind writing all that down for me?"

"Why in the world—"

"He's my husband, and I should like to use it on him sometime."

A popular society woman announced a "White Elephant Party." Every guest was to bring something that she could not find any use for, and yet too good to throw away. The party would have been a great success but for the unlooked-for development which broke it up. Eleven of the nineteen women brought their husbands.

The editor in charge of the Personal Inquiry column opened his seventieth letter with a groan.

"I have lost three husbands," a lady reader had written, confidentially, "and now have the offer of a fourth. Shall I accept him?"

The editor dipped his pen in the ink. This was the last straw.

"If you've lost three husbands," he wrote, "I should say you are much too careless to be trusted with a fourth."

A lady rang up the club the other evening.

"Please call my husband to—" she began, but she was interrupted.

"Your husband ain't here, ma'am," said the attendant, blandly.

"My goodness gracious me!" the lady exclaimed. "You're mighty sure about it, aren't you? And I haven't told you my name yet, either. Look here, mister, how do you know my husband isn't at the club when I haven't told you my name?"

The attendant answered more blandly than ever:

"Nobody's husband ain't never at the club, ma'am."

"So your husband kept house and cooked his own meals while you were away. Did he enjoy it?"

"He says he did; but I notice that the parrot has learned to swear during my absence."

"Does your husband ever lie to you?"

"Never."

"How do you know?"

"He tells me that I do not look a day older than I did when he married me, and if he doesn't lie about that, I don't think he would about less important matters."

"Get away from here or I'll call my husband," threatened the hard-faced woman who had just refused the tramp some food.

"Oh, no, you won't," replied the tramp, "because he ain't home."

"How do you know?" asked the woman.

"Because," answered the man as he sidled toward the gate, "a man who marries a woman like you is only home at meal times."

Fortune-teller: You wish to know about your future husband?

Customer: No; I wish to know about the past of my present husband for future use.

"I met your husband today and he was telling me that he is in love with his work."

"Was he, indeed? I must take a look in at the office."

Mrs. Knagg: Did the doctor ask to see your tongue?

Husband: No; I told him about yours and he ordered me away for a rest.

Mrs. Clarke came running hurriedly into her husband's office one morning.

"Oh, Dick," she cried, as she gasped for breath. "I dropped my diamond ring off my finger, and I can't find it anywhere."

"It's all right, Bess," replied Mr. Clarke. "I came across it in my trousers pocket."

"Did the minister say anything comforting?" asked the neighbor of the widow recently bereaved.

"Indeed, he didn't," was the quick reply. "He said my husband was better off."

"So you were only seventeen when you married? Well, you didn't have to wait long for a husband, did you?"

"Not then, but I do now. He's at the club five nights a week."

Mrs. Flatbush: So your husband is "somewhere in France"?

Mrs. Bensonhurst: So I believe.

Mrs. Flatbush: But don't you know where?

Mrs. Bensonhurst: No.

Mrs. Flatbush: Don't you feel somewhat concerned?

Mrs. Bensonhurst: Why, no. When he was here I knew he was somewhere in America, but half of the time I didn't know where.

Captain (sharply): Button up that coat.

Married recruit (absently): Yes, my dear.

Mr. X was a prominent member of the B.P.O.E. At the breakfast table the other morning he was relating to his wife an incident that occurred at the lodge the previous night. The president of the order offered a silk hat to the brother who could stand up and truthfully say that during his married life he had never kissed any woman but his own wife.

"And, would you believe it, Mary? Not a one stood up."

"George," his wife said, "why didn't you stand up?"

"Well," he replied, "I was going to, but I know I look like hell in a silk hat."

"Do you act toward your wife as you did before you married her?"

"Exactly. I remember just how I used to act when I first fell in love with her. I used to lean over the fence in front of her house and gaze at her shadow on the curtain, afraid to go in. And I act just the same way now when I get home late."

What is it that a gentleman has not, never can have, and yet can give to a lady?

A husband.