Sleep Jokes

"I suffer so from insomnia I don't know what to do."

"Oh, my dear, if you could only talk to my husband awhile."

"You should sleep on your right side, madam."

"I really can't do it, doctor; my husband talks in his sleep, and I can't hear a thing with my left ear."

He (to wife who is off for the beach): Now, don't forget me, dear.

She: As if I could, Jack. The surf at night sounds just like you snoring.

Fred: I had a fall last night which rendered me unconscious for several hours.

Ed: You don't mean it? Where did you fall?

Fred: I fell asleep.

She: Just think of it! A few words mumbled by the minister and people are married.

He: Yes, and, by George, a few words mumbled by a sleeping husband and people are divorced.

A belated voyager in search of hilarity stumbled home after one o'clock and found his wife waiting for him. The curtain lecture that followed was of unusual virulence, and in the midst of it he fell asleep. Awakening a few hours later, he found his wife still pouring forth a regular cascade of denunciation. Eyeing her sleepily, he said curiously:

"Say, are you talking yet or again?"

"Hello! Is this you, mother, dear?"

"Yes, Sue? What is it? Something awful must have happened for you to call me up at this—"

"It's not so awful. But, dear, John hasn't been feeling well, and the doctor gave him pills to take every four hours. I've been sitting up to give them to him, and now it's about time for the medicine, and John has fallen asleep. Should I wake him?"

"I wouldn't if I were you. What is he suffering from?"

"Insomnia."

Farmer Brown was an old-fashioned farmer. He firmly believed in that quaint and worn-out saying, "Early to bed, early to rise." He couldn't get along at all with the modern type of farmhands. So, after thinking matters over, Brown decided to reform.

After many trials he secured a strapping, big fellow, and resolved to keep that hand at any cost. Accordingly, the first morning he waited until four o'clock before he called him for breakfast.

"Get out of there quick if you want anything to eat."

"Thanks very much," said the new hand, "but I never eat anything just before going to sleep."

A clergyman was once sent for in the middle of the night by one of his woman parishioners.

"Well, my good woman," said he, "so you are ill and require the consolations of religion? What can I do for you?"

"No," replied the old lady, "I am only nervous and can't sleep!"

"But how can I help that?" said the parson.

"Oh, sir, you always put me to sleep so nicely when I go to church that I thought if you would only preach a little for me!"

Every seat was occupied, when a group of women got in. The conductor noticed a man who he thought was asleep.

"Wake up!" shouted the conductor.

"I wasn't asleep," said the passenger.

"Not asleep! Then what did you have your eyes closed for?"

"It was because of the crowded condition of the car," explained the passenger. "I hate to see the women standing."

"I know I'm old, but I'm crazy about you," stated Mr. Moneybags. "When I go I'll leave all my fortune to you if you'll have me."

"Have you any bad habits?" asked Miss Goldielocks, thoughtfully.

"Only that I walk in my sleep, if you could call that a bad habit."

"You dear old thing. Of course I'll marry you. And we'll have our honeymoon on the top floor of some tall hotel, won't we?"

"So Maude is happily married?"

"Happily? I should say she is! Why, she married a somnambulist, who gets up in his sleep every morning and builds the fire."

A man addicted to walking in his sleep went to bed all right one night, but when he awoke he found himself on the street in the grasp of a policeman. "Hold on," he cried, "you mustn't arrest me. I'm a somnambulist." To which the policeman replied: "I don't care what your religion is—you can't walk the streets in your nightshirt."

The retired colonel, who had seen forty years of active service, gave his body servant, long his orderly, explicit instructions:

"Every morning, at five sharp, Sam, you are to wake me up and say, 'Time for the parade, sir.' Then I'll say, 'Damn the parade!' and turn over and go to sleep again."

Doctor: What? Troubled with sleeplessness? Eat something before going to bed.

Patient: Why, doctor, you once told me never to eat anything before going to bed.

Doctor (with dignity): Pooh, pooh! That was last January. Science has made enormous strides since then.

Lady: I've just been making my side ache over your latest book.

Author (delighted): Oh, really. Did you find it so amusing?

Lady: Well, the fact is I went to sleep on the top of it.

A lady who had arranged an authors' reading at her house succeeded in persuading her reluctant husband to stay home that evening to assist in receiving the guests. He stood the entertainment as long as he could—three authors, to be exact—and then made an excuse that he was going to open the front door to let in some fresh air. In the hall he found one of the servants asleep on a settee.

"Wake up!" he commanded, shaking the fellow roughly. "What does this mean, your being asleep out here? You must have been listening at the keyhole."

A man aroused his wife from a sound sleep, the other night, saying that he had seen a ghost in the shape of a donkey.

"Oh! Let me sleep," the irate dame rejoined, "and don't be frightened at your own shadow."

Mistress (to butler): Why is it, John, every time I come home I find you sleeping?

Butler: Well, ma'am, it's this way: I don't like to be doing nothing.

A little boy was asked if he prayed when he attended church, and he answered that he always did. On being questioned as to the nature of his prayer, he explained that he always repeated it when the others in the congregation made their silent prayer just before the sermon, and he added further:

"I just say the little prayer mother taught me—'Now I lay me down to sleep.'"

The traveler wrote an indignant letter to the officials of the railroad company, giving full details as to why he had sat up in the smoking-room all night, instead of sleeping in his berth. He received in reply a letter from the company, which was so courteous and logical that he was greatly soothed. His mood changed for the worse, however, when he happened to glance at his own letter, which had been enclosed through error. On the margin was jotted in pencil:

"Send this guy the bed-bug letter."

I once asked a minister how he had got through a certain service. He answered grimly:

"Well, bishop, the service was soothing, moving and satisfactory."

"Yes," I said, a little puzzled.

"Yes, exactly," said he. "It was soothing because over half the congregation went to sleep. It was moving because half of the other half left before I was through. And it must have been satisfactory, inasmuch as I wasn't asked to come again."

You ought to sleep well. You lie so easily!

Why is a mother rocking her child to sleep liable to arrest?

Because she is engaged in a kid-napping project.

I have got a brother that hasn't slept a night in two months.

How is that?

He is a night watchman and sleeps daytimes.

"Oh, I am awfully worried. I walk in my sleep."

"I only wish I could do it. If I could I'd still have my job on the police force."

When a boy is too old to sleep with his parents, what do they do with him?

I suppose they get him a bed of his own.

No. They boycott him.

Why is a steamboat a good place to sleep in?

It leaves a-wake behind.