Dog Jokes

"My dog took first prize at the cat show."

"How was that?"

"He took the cat."

"Ever bothered with tramps out your way?"

"No; I have a sign on the gate reading: 'We are vegetarians, but our dog isn't.'"

I have got a smart little dog that tracked me for five miles by the scent of my feet.

Why don't you take a bath and fool him?

"She calls her dog and her husband by the same pet name. It must cause frequent confusion."

"Not at all. She always speaks gently to the dog."

Husband: You'll never get that new dog of yours to mind you.

Wife: Oh, yes, I will. You were just as troublesome yourself at first.

Mrs. Robinson was an extremely careful mother and had repeatedly cautioned her six-year-old daughter against handling any object that might contain germs. One day the little girl came in and said:

"Mother, I am never going to play with my puppy anymore, because he has germs on him."

"Oh, no!" replied her mother. "There are no germs on your puppy."

"Yes, there are," insisted the child. "I saw one hop."

The young clergyman during a parochial call noticed that the little daughter of the hostess was busy with her slate while eying him closely from time to time.

"And what are you doing, Clara?" he asked, with his most engaging smile.

"I'm drawing a picture of you," was the answer.

The clerical visitor sat very still to facilitate the work of the artist. But, presently, Clara shook her head in discouragement.

"I don't like it much," she confessed. "I guess I'll put a tail on it, and call it a dog."

A little boy was entertaining the minister the other day. The minister, to make congenial conversation, inquired: "Have you a dog?"

"Yes, sir; a dachshund," responded the lad.

"Where is he?" questioned the dominie, knowing the way to a boy's heart.

"Father sends him away for the winter. He says it takes him so long to go in and out of the door he cools the whole house off."

"My dog understands every word I say."

"Um."

"Do you doubt it?"

"No, I do not doubt the brute's intelligence. The scant attention he bestows upon your conversation would indicate that he understands it perfectly."

The swain and his swainess had just encountered a bulldog that looked as if his bite might be quite as bad as his bark. "Why, Percy," she exclaimed as he started a strategic retreat, "you always swore you would face death for me." "I would," he flung back over his shoulder, "but that darn dog ain't dead."

"I want a dog collar."

"Yes, sir," replied the absent-minded man behind the counter. "What size shirt do you wear?"

"Here comes Blinkers. He's got a new baby, and he'll talk us to death."

"Well, here comes a neighbor of mine who has a new setter dog. Let's introduce them and leave them to their fate."

The fare at a certain boarding house was very poor. A boarder who had been there for some time, because he could not get away, was standing in the hall when the landlord rang the dinner bell. Whereupon an old dog that was lying outside on a rug commenced to howl mournfully.

The boarder watched him a little while and then said: "What on earth are you howling for? You don't have to eat it!"

A bellhop passed through the hall of the St. Francis Hotel whistling loudly.

"Young man," said Manager Woods sternly, "you should know that it is against the rules of this hotel for an employee to whistle while on duty."

"I am not whistling, sir," replied the boy, "I'm paging Mrs. Jones' dog."

Successful poultry farmer: You'd be surprised what a difference these incubators make. We can hatch out two or three hundred chicks every week.

Champion dog breeder: Good gracious! How ever do you manage to find names for them all?

A physician was driving through a village when he saw a man amusing a crowd with the antics of his trick dog. The doctor pulled up and said: "My dear man, how do you manage to train your dog that way? I can't teach mine a single trick."

The man glanced up with a simple rustic look and replied: "Well, you see, it's this way; you have to know more'n the dog or you can't learn him nothin'."

A Boston minister once noticed a crowd of urchins clustered around a dog of doubtful pedigree.

"What are you doing, my little men?" he asked, with fatherly interest.

"Swappin' lies," volunteered one of the boys. "The feller that tells the biggest one gets the pup."

"Shocking!" exclaimed the minister. "Why, when I was your age I never thought of telling an untruth."

"You win," chorused the urchins. "The dog's yours, mister."

"Your husband says he leads a dog's life," said one woman.

"Yes, it's very similar," answered the other. "He comes in with muddy feet, makes himself comfortable by the fire, and waits to be fed."

Passerby: Say, boy, your dog bit me on the ankle!

Boy: Well, that's as high as he could reach. You wouldn't expect a little pup like him to bite your neck, would you?

Father: Well, sonny, did you take your dog to the vet next door to your house, as I suggested?

Boy: Yes, sir.

Father: And what did he say?

Boy: He said Towser was suffering from nerves, so Sis had better give up playing the piano.

"Goin' in that house over there?" said the first tramp.

"I tried that house last week. I ain't goin' there anymore," replied Tramp No. 2.

"'Fraid on account of the dog?"

"My trousers are."

"Trousers are what?"

"Frayed on account of the dog."

George: I can't understand why my girl shook me.

Harold: What was that you wrote to her the last time?

George: All that I said was, "My Dear Susie: The dog I promised you has just died. Hoping these few lines will find you the same. Yours, George."

"Are you quite sure that was a marriage license you gave me last month?"

"Of course! What's the matter?"

"Well, I thought there might be some mistake, seeing that I've lived a dog's life ever since."

Mother (at the breakfast table): You always ought to use your napkin, Georgie.

Georgie: I am usin' it, mother; I've got the dog tied to the leg of the table with it.

Do you know that my little dog is dead?

I suppose he either swallowed a tape-line and died by inches, or else went up the alley and died by the yard.

Oh, no, he crawled away up under the bed and died by the foot.

An art school student recently painted the picture of a dog under a tree so lifelike that it was impossible to distinguish the bark of the tree from that of the dog.

"That was a pretty good dog story, wasn't it?" asked Dinwiddie, as he finished telling one.

"Yes," replied Gaswell; "but it was too long. It ought to have been curtailed."

Why is a dog like a man four feet ten inches tall?

Because he stands over four feet.

Why is a dog dressed warmer in summer than in winter?

Because in winter he wears a fur coat and in summer he wears a coat and pants.

How can you distinguish a fashionable man from a tired dog?

One wears an entire costume; the other simply pants.

Why is a lame dog like a schoolboy adding six and seven together?

Because the dog puts down three and carries one.

Why is a dog biting his own tail like a good manager?

Because he makes both ends meet.

What animal keeps the best time?

A watchdog.

Why is a watchdog larger by night than by day?

Because at night he is let out, and in the day he is taken in.

Why is a little dog's tail like the heart of a tree?

Because it's farthest from the bark.

Plant a puppy, and what would come up?

Dog would.

What makes a pet dog wag his tail when he sees his master?

Because he's got one to wag.

Little Polly, coming in from her walk one morning, informed her mother that she had seen a lion in the park. No amount of persuasion or reasoning could make her vary her statement one hairbreadth. That night, when she slipped down on her knees to say her prayers, her mother said, "Polly, ask God to forgive you for that fib."

Polly hid her face for a moment. Then she looked straight into her mother's eyes, her own eyes shining like stars, and said, "I did ask him, mamma, dearest, and he said, 'Don't mention it, Miss Polly; that big yellow dog has often fooled me.'"

Why is a lazy dog like a hill?

Because he is a slow pup (slope up).