Police Jokes

Magistrate: Can't this case be settled out of court?

Mulligan: Sure, sure; that's what we were trying to do, your honor, when the police interfered.

Boy: Come quick, there's a man been fighting my father more than half an hour.

Policeman: Why didn't you tell me before?

Boy: 'Cause father was getting the best of it till a few minutes ago.

Police Commissioner: If you were ordered to disperse a mob, what would you do?

Applicant: Pass around the hat, sir.

Police Commissioner: That'll do; you're engaged.

First Officer: Did you get that fellow's number?

Second Officer: No; he was going too fast.

First Officer: Say, that was a fine-looking dame in the car.

Second Officer: Wasn't she?

A woman left her baby in its carriage at the door of a department store. A policeman found it there, apparently abandoned, and wheeled it to the station. As he passed down the street a gamin yelled: "What's the kid done?"

The indignant householder held up before the policeman the dead cat that had been lying by the curb three days.

"What am I to do with this?" he demanded.

"Take it to headquarters," was the serene reply. "If nobody claims it within a reasonable time, it's your property."

A motorist had been haled into court, and when his name was called the judge asked what the charges were against the prisoner.

"Suspicious actions, your Honor," answered the policeman who had made the arrest.

"Suspicious actions?" queried his Honor. "What was he doing that seemed suspicious?"

"Well," replied the officer, "he was running within the speed limit, sounding his horn properly, and trying to keep on the right side of the street, so I arrested him."

The London consul of a continental kingdom was informed by his government that one of his countrywomen, supposed to be living in Great Britain, had been left a large fortune. After advertising without result, he applied to the police, and a smart young detective was set to work. A few weeks later his chief asked how he was getting on.

"I've found the lady, sir."

"Good! Where is she?"

"At my place. I married her yesterday."

A man who was "wanted" in Russia had been photographed in six different positions, and the pictures duly circulated among the police department. A few days later the chief of police wrote to headquarters: "Sir, I have duly received the portraits of the six miscreants. I have arrested five of them, and the sixth will be secured shortly."

A prisoner was brought before a police magistrate. He looked around and discovered that his clerk was absent. "Here, officer," he said, "what's this man charged with?"

"Bigotry, your Honor," replied the policeman. "He's got three wives."

The magistrate looked at the officer as though astounded at such ignorance. "Why, officer," he said, "that's not bigotry—that's trigonometry."

The detective at the boarding house table, having satisfied himself that nobody had observed him, folded up his magnifying glass and put it back in his pocket.

"Yes," he said to himself, "they've got the same girl they had when I was here two years ago. I recognize her thumbprint in the butter."

A man addicted to walking in his sleep went to bed all right one night, but when he awoke he found himself on the street in the grasp of a policeman. "Hold on," he cried, "you mustn't arrest me. I'm a somnambulist." To which the policeman replied: "I don't care what your religion is—you can't walk the streets in your nightshirt."

The other day when the beach was crowded, a small boy, looking rather bewildered, approached a police officer and said, "Please, sir, have you seen anything of a lady around here?"

"Why, yes," answered the officer, "I've seen several."

"Well, have you seen any without a little boy?"

"Yes."

"Well," said the little chap, as a relieved look crossed his face, "I'm the little boy. Where's the lady?"

Magistrate: And what was the prisoner doing?

Constable: He was having a very heated argument with a cab driver, Your Worship.

Magistrate: But that doesn't prove he was drunk.

Constable: Ah, but there wasn't any cab driver there, Your Worship.

"I had a message from the Black Hand," said the resident of Graftburg. "They told me to leave $2,000 in a vacant house in a certain street."

"Did you tell the police?"

"Right away."

"What did they do?"

"They said that while I was about it I might leave them a couple of thousand in the same place."

"Excuse me," said the detective as he presented himself at the door of the music academy, "but I hope you'll give me what information you have, and not make any fuss."

"What do you mean?" was the indignant inquiry.

"Why, you see, we got a tip from the house next door that somebody was murdering Wagner, and the chief sent me down here to work on the case."

Rural Constable: Now then, come out of that. Bathing's not allowed here after 8 a.m.

The Face in the Water: Excuse me, Sergeant, I'm not bathing; I'm only drowning.

Mistress (to newly installed cook): Matthews! What does this mean? How did this policeman get here?

Cook (equal to the occasion): Don't know, ma'am. He must have been left over by the last cook.

Why is a policeman like a rainbow?

Because he rarely appears until the storm is over.

Judge: You let the burglar go to arrest an automobilist?

Policeman: Yes. The autoist pays a fine and adds to the resources of the State; the burglar goes to prison, and the State has to pay for his keep.

The nurse at the front regarded the wounded soldier with a puzzled frown.

"Your face is perfectly familiar to me," she said, musingly. "But I can't quite place you somehow."

"Let bygones be bygones, ma'am," the soldier said weakly. "Yes, ma'am, I was a policeman."

A farmer hitched his team to a telephone-pole.

"Here," exclaimed a policeman, "you can't hitch there!"

"Can't hitch!" shouted the irate farmer. "Well, why does the sign say, 'Fine for Hitching'?"

Millionaire (to ragged beggar): You ask alms and do not even take your hat off. Is that the proper way to beg?

Beggar: Pardon me, sir. A policeman is looking at us from across the street. If I take my hat off he'll arrest me for begging; as it is, he naturally takes us for old friends.

"Oh, I am awfully worried. I walk in my sleep."

"I only wish I could do it. If I could I'd still have my job on the police force."

A thief was lately caught breaking into a song. He had already got through the first two bars, when a policeman came up and hit him with a club.

What did the blind man say to the policeman when he told him he would arrest him if he did not move on?

I'd just like to see you.

The woman confessed to her crony:

"I'm growing old, and I know it. Nowadays, the policeman never takes me by the arm when he escorts me through the traffic."