Cow Jokes

We got a cow and she doesn't give any milk. We take it away from her.

The young mother asked the man who supplied her with milk if he kept any calves, and smiled pleasedly when he said that he did.

"Then," she continued brightly, "bring me a pint of calf's milk every day. I think cow's milk is too strong for baby."

A man living in the heart of London has recently bought a cow, which he keeps in his backyard. Thirty milkmen have already been noticed looking over the wall to see what a cow looks like.

An enterprising salesman was trying to persuade a farmer to buy a bicycle. The farmer was in town for the day, and had determined to see everything.

"I'd rather spend my money on a cow," said he proudly.

"But think," said the salesman, "what a fool you'd look riding about on a cow."

"Not half such a fool as I'd look trying to milk a bicycle," answered the farmer.

"Ma, do cows and bees go to heaven?"

"Mercy, child, what a question! Why?"

"'Cause if they don't, the milk and honey the preacher said was up there must be all canned stuff."

Little Willie, being a city boy, had never seen a cow. While on a visit to his grandmother he walked out across the fields with his cousin John. A cow was grazing there, and Willie's curiosity was greatly excited.

"Oh, Cousin John, what is that?" he asked.

"Why, that is only a cow," John replied.

"And what are those things on her head?"

"Horns," answered John.

Before they had gone far the cow mooed long and loud.

Willie was astounded. Looking back, he demanded, in a very fever of interest:

"Which horn did she blow?"

On the outskirts of Philadelphia is an admirable stock farm. One day last summer some poor children were permitted to go over this farm, and when their inspection was done, to each of them was given a glass of milk. The milk was excellent.

"Well, boys, how do you like it?" the farmer said, when they had drained their glasses.

"Fine," said one little fellow. Then after a pause, he added, "I wish our milkman kept a cow."

The clergyman, absorbed in thinking out a sermon, rounded a turn in the path and bumped into a cow. He swept off his hat with a flourish, exclaiming:

"I beg your pardon, madam."

Then he observed his error, and was greatly chagrined. Soon, however, again engaged with thoughts of the sermon, he collided with a lady at another bend of the path.

"Get out of the way, you brute!" he said.

A Pennsylvania farmer was the owner of a good Alderney cow. A stranger, having admired the animal, asked the farmer: "What will you take for your cow?"

The farmer scratched his head for a moment, and then said: "Look a-here, be you the tax assessor or has she been killed by the railroad?"

"You are charged with selling adulterated milk," said the judge.

"Your Honor, I plead not guilty."

"But the testimony shows that it is 25 percent water."

"Then it must be high-grade milk," returned the defendant. "If your Honor will look up the word 'milk' in your dictionary you will find that it contains from 80 to 90 percent water. I should have sold it for cream!"

One eastern railroad has a regular form for reporting accidents to animals on its right of way. Recently a track foreman had the killing of a cow to report. In answer to the question, "Disposition of carcass?" he wrote: "Kind and gentle."

A young man asked a widow to marry him.

"What's the difference between myself and Willard Pond's Jersey cow?" asked the widow.

"I don't know," said the young man.

"Then," said the widow, "you'd better marry the cow."

A maid dropped and broke a beautiful platter at a dinner recently. The host did not permit a trifle like this to ruffle him in the least.

"These little accidents happen 'most every day," he said apologetically. "You see, she isn't a trained waitress. She was a dairymaid originally, but she had to abandon that occupation on account of her inability to handle the cows without breaking their horns."

Mrs. Parker: Now, young man, why aren't you at the Front?

Young man (milking a cow): 'Cos there ain't any milk that end, missus!

The teacher used as an illustration of bad grammar, for correction by the class, the following sentence:

"The horse and cow is in the pasture."

A manly little fellow raised his hand, and at the teacher's nod said:

"Please, sir, ladies should come first."

"My dear," said the young husband as he took the bottle of milk from the dumbwaiter and held it up to the light, "have you noticed that there's never cream on this milk?"

"I spoke to the milkman about it," she replied, "and he explained that the company always fill their bottles so full that there's no room for cream on top."

"Have you much room in your new flat?"

"Room! Mercy me, I should think not. Why, our kitchen and dining room are so small that we have to use condensed milk."

Mistress: I hope you're doing what you can to economize the food.

Cook: Oh, yes'm. We've put the cat on milk-an'-water.

Which has most legs, a cow or no cow?

No cow has eight legs.

When was beef the highest?

When the cow jumped over the moon.

How many cows' tails would it take to reach from Boston to New York?

One, if it was long enough.

Why does the lightning turn milk sour?

Because it doesn't know how to conduct itself.

Why is a cent like a cow?

Because it has a head and a tail and two sides.

Why is the letter F like a cow's tail?

It is the end of beef.

What is the difference between a cow and a rickety chair?

One gives milk and the other gives whey (way).

The morning milk delivered at the parsonage was certainly weak, and the head of the household considered it necessary to remonstrate. "Are you aware," he remarked to the milkman, "that we require this milk for the hitherto recognized purposes?"

"I hope so, sir," replied the tradesman.

"That's all right, then," returned the parson gently; "I merely mentioned it in case you may have thought we wanted it for the font."

Cow: Can you beat it? There's so much system around here now that they file me in the barn under the letter C.

Hen: Yes, I have my troubles with efficiency too. They've put a rubber stamp in my nest so I can date my eggs two weeks ahead.

It's all a matter of taste, as the old lady said when she kissed the cow.

Why is a youth trying to raise a mustache like a cow's tail?

Because he grows down.