Weather Jokes

"It says here that a Missouri man boasts that he has an umbrella that has been in his possession for twenty years," said Smith.

"Well," replied Jones, "that's long enough. He ought to return it."

Host: It's beginning to rain; you'd better stay to dinner.

Guest: Oh, thanks very much; but it's not bad enough for that.

"Do you save up money for a rainy day, dear?"

"Oh, no! I never shop when it rains."

"By the way, did you recover the umbrella you lost last week?"

"No; but I recovered a better one that I didn't lose."

The teacher directed the class to write a brief account of a baseball game. All the pupils were busy during the allotted time, except one little boy, who sat motionless, and wrote never a word. The teacher gave him an additional five minutes, calling them off one by one. The fifth minute had almost elapsed when the youngster awoke to life, and scrawled a sentence. It ran thus:

"Rain—no game."

In a certain town the local forecaster of the weather was so often wrong that his predictions became a standing joke, to his no small annoyance, for he was very sensitive. At length, in despair of living down his reputation, he asked headquarters to transfer him to another station.

A brief correspondence ensued.

"Why," asked headquarters, "do you wish to be transferred?"

"Because," the forecaster promptly replied, "the climate doesn't agree with me."

A man left his umbrella in the stand in a hotel recently, with a card bearing the following inscription attached to it: "This umbrella belongs to a man who can deal a blow of 250 pounds weight. I shall be back in ten minutes." On returning to seek his property he found in its place a card thus inscribed: "This card was left here by a man who can run twelve miles an hour. I shall not be back."

It appears that at the rehearsal of a play, a wonderful climax had been reached, which was to be heightened by the effective use of the usual thunder and lightning. The stage carpenter was given the order. The words were spoken, and instantly a noise which resembled a succession of pistol shots was heard off the wings.

"What on earth are you doing, man?" shouted the manager, rushing behind the scenes. "Do you call that thunder? It's not a bit like it."

"Awfully sorry, sir," responded the carpenter; "but the fact is, sir, I couldn't hear you because of the storm. That was real thunder, sir!"

A woman mounted the steps of the elevated station carrying an umbrella like a reversed saber. An attendant warned her that she might put out the eye of the man behind her.

"Well, he's my husband!" she snapped.

A farmer during a long-continued drought invented a machine for watering his fields. The very first day while he was trying it there suddenly came a downpour of rain. He put away his machine.

"It's no use," he said; "you can do nothing nowadays without competition."

The father entered the room where Clara, his daughter, was entertaining her young man.

"What is it, popper?" the young lady inquired.

Her father held out the umbrella which he carried.

"This is for John," he explained. "It looks as if it might rain before morning."

I went to church last Sunday and lost my umbrella. I got up in the congregation and said if I didn't get my umbrella I would come here next Sunday and mention the party's name that had it. Next morning when I woke up, my back yard was full of umbrellas.

One day a man exhibited a handsome umbrella. "It's wonderful how I make things last," he exclaimed. "Look at this umbrella, now. I bought it eleven years ago. Since then I had it recovered twice. I had new ribs put in in 1910, and last month I exchanged it for a new one in a restaurant. And here it is—as good as new."

Governor Glasscock of West Virginia, while traveling through Arizona, noticed the dry, dusty appearance of the country.

"Doesn't it ever rain around here?" he asked one of the natives.

"Rain?" The native spat. "Rain? Why, say, partner, there's bullfrogs in this here town over five years old that haven't learned to swim yet!"

"My dear, you're not going to the links today?"

"Oh, yes, Auntie. I shall try and put in a round."

"But it's pouring! Why, I wouldn't send a dog out to golf in such weather."

Wife: I have not been able to wear my new hat yet on account of the weather.

Husband: Humph! And I suppose by the time it clears up the fashion will have changed.

The pessimist spoke mournfully to his friend:

"It is only to me that such misfortunes happen."

"What's the matter now?"

The pessimist answered dolefully:

"Don't you see that it is raining?"

A servant, who indulged in sprees during which he spent all his money, was advised by his master to save against a rainy day. A week later, the master inquired if any saving had been accomplished.

"Oh, yes, indeed, sir," the servant responded. "But, you see, sir, it rained yesterday, and it all went."

"Little girl, why aren't you provided with an umbrella?"

"Because father hasn't been to church this year."

"Young man," said the fond father, "in giving you my daughter, I have entrusted you with the dearest treasure of my life."

The young man was duly impressed and made no endeavor to conceal his emotion and his gratitude. Then, during the few moments of impressive silence that followed, he heard the patter, patter of rain against the window.

"Goodness me!" he exclaimed, "it's raining and I haven't my umbrella! May I borrow yours, sir, to keep me dry while I run to the station?"

"Young man," said the fond parent, "I do not trust anyone with my umbrella!"

Crewe: Good heavens, how it rains! I feel awfully anxious about my wife. She's gone out without an umbrella.

Drew: Oh, she'll be all right. She'll take shelter in some shop.

Crewe: Exactly. That's what makes me so anxious.

First Artist: The umbrella you lent me? I have lent it to a friend.

Second Artist: That is very awkward. The man who lent it to my friend tells him that the owner wants it.

"That's a swell umbrella you carry."

"Isn't it?"

"Did you come by it honestly?"

"I haven't quite figured out. It started to rain the other day and I stepped into a doorway to wait till it stopped. Then I saw a young fellow coming along with a nice large umbrella, and I thought if he was going as far as my house I would beg the shelter of his bumbershoot. So I stepped out and asked: 'Where are you going with that umbrella, young fellow?' and he dropped the umbrella and ran."

On the way to the office of his publishers one crisp fall morning, James Whitcomb Riley met an unusually large number of acquaintances who commented conventionally upon the fine weather. This unremitting applause amused him. When greeted at the office with "Nice day, Mr. Riley," he smiled broadly.

"Yes," he agreed. "Yes, I've heard it very highly spoken of."

Said the weather prophet, "I think it is safest always to predict bad weather."

"Why's that?"

"Well, people are ready to forgive you if you turn out to be wrong."

"My wife thinks we run a hospitable house. What's your notion of a hospitable house?"

"Oh, for me, I feel that it's a hospitable house when in the come and go of company enough umbrellas are left to keep it supplied."

The storm was increasing in violence and some of the deck fittings had already been swept overboard when the captain decided to send up a signal of distress. But hardly had the rocket burst over the ship when a solemn-faced passenger stepped onto the bridge. "Captain," he said, "I'd be the last man on earth to cast a damper on any man, but it seems to me that this is no time for letting off fireworks."

"And did you have a good crossing?" asked the friend of the adventurous lady who had just returned from France.

"Oh, a most terrible crossing, terrible. The most awful storm I've ever been in. Yet I wasn't a bit afraid. The other passengers were in a panic running all over the boat, till at last the captain, who had heard that I was a singer, asked me to sing to them and quiet them, and I did. And all the time I was singing the heavy seas were running."

"I don't blame 'em!" growled her father. "I don't blame those heavy seas a bit."

"How did you find the weather in London?" asked the friend of the returned traveler.

"You don't have to find the weather in London," replied the traveler. "It bumps into you at every corner."

The breakfaster in the cheap restaurant tried to make conversation with the man beside him at the counter.

"Awful rainy spell—like the flood."

"The flood?" The tone was polite, but inquiring.

"The flood—Noah, the ark, Mount Ararat."

The other bit off half a slice of bread, shook his head, and mumbled thickly:

"Haven't read today's paper yet."

During a particularly nasty dust storm at one of the camps a recruit ventured to seek shelter in the sacred precincts of the cook's domain.

After a time he broke an awkward silence by saying to the cook:

"If you'd put the lid on that camp kettle you would not get so much of the dust in your soup."

The irate cook glared at the intruder, and then broke out: "See here, my lad. Your business is to serve your country."

"Yes," interrupted the recruit, "but not to eat it."

The guest landing at the yacht club float with his host, both of them wearing oilskins and sou'-westers to protect them from the drenching rain, inquired:

"And who are those gentlemen seated on the veranda, looking so spick and span in their white duck yachting caps and trousers, and keeping the waiters running all the time?"

"They're the rocking-chair members. They never go outside, and they're waterproof inside."

"What's the matter, John? You look kind of weather-beaten this morning."

"That's exactly what I am. I bet five dollars it would rain yesterday, and it didn't!"

Why is a policeman like a rainbow?

Because he rarely appears until the storm is over.

What is worse than raining cats and dogs?

Hailing omnibuses.

What is the color of the winds and waves in a severe storm?

The winds blew (blue), the waves rose.

Why is a new-born baby like a storm?

Because it begins with a squall.

I see they are going to have umbrellas made square.

What for?

Because they are not safe to leave a-round.

Why are umbrellas like good churchmen?

They keep Lent so well.

What animals are in the clouds?

Rain-deer.