Bible Jokes

Small boy (who has been promised a visit to the zoo tomorrow): "I hope we shall have a better day for it than Noah had."

When Lottie returned from her first visit to Sunday school, she was asked what she had learned.

"God made the world in six days and was arrested on the seventh day," was her version of the lesson imparted.

Jonah's experience with the whale is proof that you can't keep a good man down.

Why was Moses the wickedest man that ever lived?

Because he broke all the Ten Commandments at once.

"Miss Jane, did Moses have the same after-dinner complaint my papa's got?" asked Percy of his governess.

"Gracious me, Percy! Whatever do you mean, my dear?"

"Well, it says here that the Lord gave Moses two tablets."

A Sunday school teacher asked a small girl the other day why Ananias was so severely punished. The little one thought a minute, then answered: "Please, teacher, they weren't so used to lying in those days."

Teacher: "You remember the story of Daniel in the lions' den, Robbie?"

Robbie: "Yes, ma'am."

Teacher: "What lesson do we learn from it?"

Robbie: "That we shouldn't eat everything we see."

Teacher: "In what part of the Bible is it taught that a man should have only one wife?"

Little boy: "I guess it's the part that says that no man can serve more than one master."

Vicar's wife: "What are you children doing in daddy's study?"

Ethel: "It's a great secret, Mummy. We're giving daddy a new Bible for his birthday."

Vicar's wife: "Oh—and what are you writing in it?"

Ethel: "Well, you see, we thought we'd better copy what daddy's friends put in the books they give him, so we're writing, 'With the author's compliments.'"

An American tourist and his wife, after their return from abroad, were telling of the wonders seen by them at the Louvre in Paris. The husband mentioned with enthusiasm a picture which represented Adam and Eve and the serpent in the Garden of Eden, in connection with the eating of the forbidden fruit. The wife also waxed enthusiastic, and interjected a remark:

"Yes, we found the picture most interesting, most interesting indeed, because, you see, we know the anecdote."

"The Bible tells us we should love our neighbors," said the good deacon.

"Yes, but the Bible was written before our neighbors lived so close," replied the mere man.

Charlie and Nancy had quarreled. After their supper Mother tried to re-establish friendly relations. She told them of the Bible verse, "Let not the sun go down upon your wrath."

"Now, Charlie," she pleaded, "are you going to let the sun go down on your wrath?"

Charlie squirmed a little. Then:

"Well, how can I stop it?"

An after-dinner speaker was called on to speak on "The Antiquity of the Microbe." He arose and said, "Adam had 'em," and then sat down.

An instructor in a church school where much attention was paid to sacred history dwelt particularly on the phrase "And Enoch was not, for God took him." So many times was this repeated in connection with the death of Enoch that he thought even the dullest pupil would answer correctly when asked in examination: "State in the exact language of the Bible what is said of Enoch's death."

But this was the answer he got:

"Enoch was not what God took him for."

The teacher asked: "When did Moses live?"

After the silence had become painful she ordered: "Open your Old Testaments. What does it say there?"

A boy answered: "Moses, 4000."

"Now," said the teacher, "why didn't you know when Moses lived?"

"Well," replied the boy, "I thought it was his telephone number."

An editor in the Far West dropped into church for the first time in many years. The minister was in the very heart of the sermon. The editor listened for a while, and then rushed to his office.

"What are you fellows doing? How about the news from the seat of war?"

"What news?"

"Why, all this about the Egyptian Army being drowned in the Red Sea. The minister up at the church knows all about it, and you have not a word of it in our latest. Bustle round, you fellows, and get out an extra-special edition."

"What," asked the Sunday school teacher, "is meant by bearing false witness against one's neighbor?"

"It's telling falsehoods about them," said the one small maid.

"Partly right and partly wrong," said the teacher.

"I know," said another little girl, holding her hand high in the air. "It's when nobody did anything and somebody went and told about it."

Who was the greatest orator spoken of in the Bible?

Samson, because he brought the house down filled with his enemies.

Who was the greatest financier of early times?

Noah—he floated his stock when all the world was in liquidation.

When was paper money first mentioned in the Bible?

When the dove brought the green back to Noah.

How were Adam and Eve prevented from gambling?

Their pair o' dice was taken away from them.

Who first introduced walking-sticks?

Eve gave Adam a little Cain.

Who was the first man condemned to hard labor for life?

Adam.

What three words did Adam use when he introduced himself to Eve, which read backwards and forwards the same?

"Madam, I'm Adam."

Why was the first day of Adam's life the longest?

Because it had no Eve.

How many apples were eaten in the Garden of Eden?

Eve ate, and Adam, too, and the devil won—eleven in all.

Why ought Adam to have been perfectly satisfied with his wife?

Because she was cut out especially for him.

How did Adam and Eve feel when they left the Garden of Eden?

Put out.

What did Adam first plant in the Garden of Eden?

His foot.

Who was the fastest runner in the world?

Adam—he was first in the human race.

What was Noah busy about in the ark?

Preserving pairs.

In what order did Noah come from the ark?

He came forth.

What person in the Bible died a death that no one else ever died—and a part of whose shroud is on every dining table?

Lot's wife.

What was Pharaoh's chief objection to Moses?

He found him more plague than prophet.

Who were the first mathematicians mentioned in the Bible?

The Children of Israel, who multiplied upon the face of the earth.

What did the whale gain in the little transaction between him and Jonah?

The whale got all the prophet.

Who was Jonah's tutor?

The whale that brought him up.

Which are the two smallest things mentioned in the Scripture?

The widow's mite, and the wicked flee.

Why did Noah object to the letter D?

Because it made the ark dark.

How do we know that Noah had a pig in the Ark?

Because he had Ham.

What is that which Adam never saw, never possessed, yet left two to each of his children?

Parents.

What was the difference between Joan of Arc and Noah's ark?

One was Maid of Orleans, the other was made of wood.

What man mentioned in the Bible had no father?

Joshua, the son of Nun.

Why was Noah like a hungry cat?

Because he went forty days and forty nights without finding Ararat.

Noah would have saved future soldiers a lot of trouble if he had swatted those two cooties when they marched up the gangplank of the ark.

The little girl reported at home what she had learned at Sunday school concerning the creation of Adam and Eve:

"The teacher told us how God made the first man and the first woman. He made the man first. But the man was very lonely with nobody to talk to him. So God put the man to sleep. And while the man was asleep, God took out his brains, and made a woman of them."

"In choosing his men," said the Sabbath school superintendent, "Gideon did not select those who laid aside their arms and threw themselves down to drink; but he took those who watched with one eye and drank with the other."

"What little boy can tell me the difference between the 'quick' and the 'dead'?" asked the Sunday school teacher.

Willie waved his hand frantically.

"Well, Willie?"

"Please, ma'am, the 'quick' are the ones that get out of the way of automobiles; the ones that don't are the 'dead.'"

"We should never complain, whatever may befall us," said the minister. "The moment we grow dissatisfied we become unhappy."

"Do you really think so?" she sighed.

"Yes," returned the good man; "the first woman who complained of her Lot was turned into a pillar of salt."

A charitable lady was reading the Old Testament to an aged woman who lived at the home for old people, and chanced upon the passage concerning Solomon's household.

"Had Solomon really seven hundred wives?" inquired the old woman, after reflection.

"Oh, yes, Mary! It is so stated in the Bible."

"Lord, ma'am!" was the comment. "What privileges them early Christians had!"

The breakfaster in the cheap restaurant tried to make conversation with the man beside him at the counter.

"Awful rainy spell—like the flood."

"The flood?" The tone was polite, but inquiring.

"The flood—Noah, the ark, Mount Ararat."

The other bit off half a slice of bread, shook his head, and mumbled thickly:

"Haven't read today's paper yet."