School Jokes

"Mamma," complained little Elsie, "I don't feel very well."

"That's too bad, dear," said mother sympathetically. "Where do you feel worst?"

"In school, mamma."

Teacher: "Now, Tommy, what is a hypocrite?"

Tommy: "A boy that comes to school with a smile on his face."

"Are you first in anything at school, Earlie?"

"First out of the building when the bell rings."

In school a boy was asked this question in physics: "What is the difference between lightning and electricity?"

And he answered: "Well, you don't have to pay for lightning."

"He seems to be very clever."

"Yes, indeed, he can even do the problems that his children have to work out at school."

Mamma: "How do you feel this morning, Robert? Are you able to sit up?"

Robert: "I feel awful bad. Don't think I could stand on my feet."

Mamma: "Well, I hope you will be able to go to school Monday. This is Saturday—"

Robert (jumping out of bed): "Saturday! Gee! I thought it was Friday!"

Dad was not greatly pleased by the school report brought to him by his hopeful.

"How is it," he demanded, "that you stand so much lower in your studies for the month of January than for December?"

Samuel was equal to the emergency. "Why, dad," said he, in an injured tone, "don't you know that everything is marked down after the holidays?"

Sammy's mother was greatly distressed because he had such poor marks in his schoolwork. She scolded, coaxed, even promised him a dime if he would do better. The next day he came running home.

"Oh, mother," he shouted, "I got a hundred!"

"And what did you get a hundred in?"

"In two things," replied Sammy without hesitation. "I got forty in reading and sixty in spelling."

"Well, there were only three boys in school today who could answer one question that the teacher asked us," said a proud boy of eight.

"And I hope my boy was one of the three," said the proud mother.

"Well, I was," answered Young Hopeful, "and Sam Harris and Harry Stone were the other two."

"I am very glad you proved yourself so good a scholar, my son; it makes your mother proud of you. What question did the teacher ask, Johnnie?"

"'Who broke the glass in the back window?'"

A school girl was required to write an essay of two hundred and fifty words about a motorcar. She submitted the following:

"My uncle bought a motorcar. He was riding in the country when it busted up a hill. I guess this is about fifty words. The other two hundred are what my uncle said when he was walking back to town, but they are not fit for publication."

The teacher directed the class to write a brief account of a baseball game. All the pupils were busy during the allotted time, except one little boy, who sat motionless, and wrote never a word. The teacher gave him an additional five minutes, calling them off one by one. The fifth minute had almost elapsed when the youngster awoke to life, and scrawled a sentence. It ran thus:

"Rain—no game."

"How does it happen that you are five minutes late at school this morning?" the teacher asked severely.

"Please, ma'am," said Ethel, "I must have overwashed myself."

The children had been reminded that they must not appear at school the following week without their application blanks properly filled out as to names of parents, addresses, dates and place of birth. On Monday morning Katie Barnes arrived, the tears streaming down her cheeks.

"What is the trouble?" Miss Green inquired, seeking to comfort her.

"Oh," sobbed the little girl, "I forgot my excuse for being born."

When Miss Cheney, one of the popular teachers in the Swarthmore schools, had to deal with a boy who played hooky, she failed to impress him with the evil of his ways.

"Don't you know what becomes of little boys who stay away from school to play baseball?" asked Miss Cheney.

"Yes'm," replied the lad promptly. "Some of 'em gets to be good players and pitch in the big leagues."

"Tommy Tucker is the worst boy in school, Harry, and I want you to keep as far away from him as you possibly can."

"I do, mother. He stays at the head of the class most of the time."

"I'm at the head of my class, pa," said Willie.

"Dear me, son, how did that happen?" cried his father.

"Why, the teacher asked us this morning how to pronounce C-h-i-h-u-a-h-u-a, and nobody knew," said Willie, "but when she got down to me I sneezed and she said that was right."

A high-school girl said to her father the other night:

"Daddy, I've got a sentence here I'd like you to punctuate. You know something about punctuation, don't you?"

"A little," said her cautious parent, as he took the slip of paper she handed him.

This is what he read:

"A five-dollar bill flew around the corner"

He studied it carefully.

"Well," he finally said, "I'd simply put a period after it, like this."

"I wouldn't," said the high-school girl; "I'd make a dash after it!"

At a teachers' institute in an Eastern city a speaker said that, in his opinion, "the trouble with the public-school system of today is: The teachers are afraid of the principals, the principals are afraid of the superintendent, he is afraid of the school committee, they are afraid of the parents, the parents are afraid of the children, and the children are afraid of nobody!"

"Dear teacher," wrote little Johnny's mother, "kindly excuse John's absence from school yesterday afternoon, as he fell in the mud. By doing the same you will greatly oblige his mother."

Johnny, who has seen eight summers go by, not very long ago developed a fondness for playing hooky from school. After two or three offenses of this kind he was taken to task by his teacher.

"Johnny," she said, "the next time you are absent I want you to bring me an excuse from your father telling me why you were not here."

"I don't want to bring an excuse from my father," protested the boy.

"Why not?" asked the teacher, her suspicion plain.

"'Cause father isn't any good at making excuses."

A country schoolmaster had two pupils, to one of whom he was partial, and to the other severe. One morning it happened that these two boys were late, and were called up to account for it.

"You must have heard the bell, boys; why did you not come?"

"Please, sir," said the favorite, "I was dreaming that I was going to Margate, and I thought the school bell was the steamboat bell."

"Very well," said the master, glad of any pretext to excuse his favorite. "And now, sir," turning to the other, "what have you to say?"

"Please, sir," said the puzzled boy, "I—I—was waiting to see Tom off!"

The class had been told by the teacher to write compositions in which they must not attempt any flights of fancy, but should only state what was really in them. The star production from this command was a composition written by a boy who was both sincere and painstaking. It ran as follows:

"I shall not attempt any flites of fancy, but wright just what is really in me. In me there is my stommick, lungs, liver, two apples, two cakes and my dinner."

The schoolboy, after profound thought, wrote this definition of the word "spine," at his teacher's request.

"A spine is a long, limber bone. Your head sets on one end and you set on the other."

A member of the faculty of the University of Wisconsin tells of some amusing replies made by a pupil undergoing an examination in English. The candidate had been instructed to write out examples of the indicative, the subjunctive, the potential and the exclamatory moods. His efforts resulted as follows:

"I am endeavoring to pass an English examination. If I answer twenty questions I shall pass. If I answer twelve questions I may pass. God help me!"

What is the difference between a fisherman and a lazy schoolboy?

One baits his hook, the other hates his book.

Why is a lame dog like a schoolboy adding six and seven together?

Because the dog puts down three and carries one.

"I hope they don't give my little boy any naughty nicknames in school?"

"Yes, ma, they call me 'Corns.'"

"How dreadful! And why do they call you that?"

"'Cause in our class, you know, I'm always at the foot."

"And what did my little son learn about this morning?"

"Oh, a mouse. Miss Wilcox told us all about mouses."

"That's the boy! Now, how do you spell 'mouse'?"

It was then that Arthur gave promise of being an artful dodger. He paused meditatively for a moment, then said:

"Father, I guess I was wrong. It wasn't a mouse teacher was telling us about. It was a rat."

Teacher: "Who was the first man?"

Head scholar: "Washington; he was first in war, first in—"

Teacher: "No, no; Adam was the first man."

Head scholar: "Oh! If you're talking of foreigners, I suppose he was."

In one of the many navy schools a young instructor was attempting to teach English to a gruff old sailor. "What is a complete sentence?" he said.

"Solitary confinement, bread and water," was the grim reply.

Johnny: "Papa, would you be glad if I saved a dollar for you?"

Papa: "Certainly, my son."

Johnny: "Well, I saved it for you, all right. You said if I brought a first-class report from my teacher this week you would give me a dollar, and I didn't bring it."

"How far have you studied, Johnny?" inquired the teacher.

"Just as far as the book is dirty, ma'am."

"Did any of you ever see an elephant's skin?" inquired a teacher of a class of youths.

"I have," exclaimed one.

"Where?" asked the teacher.

"On the elephant," replied the boy.

Why are fish well educated?

They have a taste for going in schools.

The other day the head of a boarding school noticed one of the boys wiping his knife on the tablecloth, and pounced on him at once.

"Is that what you do at home?" he asked indignantly.

"Oh, no," answered the boy quickly, "we have clean knives."

A teacher in one of the primary grades of the public school had noticed a striking platonic friendship that existed between Tommy and little Mary, two of her pupils.

Tommy was a bright enough youngster, but he wasn't disposed to prosecute his studies with much energy, and his teacher said that unless he stirred himself before the end of the year he wouldn't be promoted.

"You must study harder," she told him, "or you won't pass. How would you like to stay back in this class another year and have little Mary go ahead of you?"

"Ah," said Tommy. "I guess there'll be other little Marys."

The schoolmaster was explaining what to do in case of fire. The pupils listened with respectful attention until he came to his final instruction.

"Above all things," he said, "if your clothing catches fire, remain cool."

The Governor of Maine was at the school and was telling the pupils what the people of different states were called.

"Now," he said, "the people from Indiana are called 'Hoosiers'; the people from North Carolina 'Tar Heels'; the people from Michigan we know as 'Michiganders.' Now, what little boy or girl can tell me what the people of Maine are called?"

"I know," said a little girl.

"Well, what are we called?" asked the Governor.

"Maniacs."

The schoolteacher had punished Tommy so often for talking during school hours, and the punishment had been apparently without effect, that, as a last resort, she decided to notify Tommy's father of his son's fault. So, following the deportment word in his next report were these words, "Tommy talks a great deal."

In due time the report was returned with these words after the father's signature, "You ought to hear his mother."

Teacher: "Freddie, you mustn't laugh out loud in the schoolroom."

Freddie: "I didn't mean to do it. I was smiling, and the smile busted."